Aphorismus ( a-phor-is’-mus): Calling into question the proper use of a word.
Tim: Where’d you learn English? From graffiti on restroom walls? Just kidding, your word choice gets a little dicey sometimes. Like when you just said “My aperture is telling me it’s lunchtime.” Sure, maybe “aperture” is some kind of metaphor, but I think you mean to say “appetite.” “Aperture” refers to the lens of a camera. It controls the amount of light that enters the camera. Last night you referred to my “Venusian blinds” when they are actually Venetian blinds. And then, there’s your use of “reticent” instead of “hesitant” to say you’re “hesitant” to take the promotion you’ve been offered.
Jim: Why not just stick a knife in my back and be done with it? Look, being understood is more important than choosing the so-called “right” words. In all of your examples, you knew what I meant; you just had to work a little to get my waft.
Tim: You mean “drift,” not “waft.” Don’t you get embarrassed misspeaking all the time? Using the wrong words won’t get you far.
Jim: Look, it’s rare that anybody calls me out on my misuse of words. I already told you, it’s the context that matters more than the words. Most people are charitable enough to let it pass. They’re not nit-picky losers like you. You’re the one who should be embarrassed calling me out, your friend, even when we’re in public, talking with other people. I think you are some kind of control freak who has to show his irradiation in front of people. You want to feel superior. It’s a pain in the ass. Everybody understands me and you have to humiliate me in front of them for misspeaking. It makes me sad and angry too. And it makes me wonder why I’m friends with you.
Tim: You said “irradiation” when you meant “erudition,” but I did understand what you said. You should be glad my vocabulary’s expansive enough to sort out your misspeaking and make you look like less of an idiot.
Jim: Ok, Mr. Correcto! You want the “right” words? You want transparent meanings? Eat this! It’s unabridged! You fu*king Aardvark!
POSTSCRIPT
Jim hit Tim in the face with a hardcover unabridged edition of Webster’s dictionary. It broke Tim’s nose, knocked Tim out cold, and fractured Tim’s skull. When he saw what he had done, Jim ran to the bus stop to make his getaway. He was apprehended by the police. One of the policeman told Jim that he was “reticent” to arrest him after he heard what a cruel bastard Tim was.
Tim was determined to be a classic harasser who got what he deserved. Jim was not charged with a crime. Tim lay in his hospital bed clutching Jim’s dictionary to his chest like a Teddy Bear and saying “reticent utilization” over and over.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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