Apocope (a-pok’-o-pe): Omitting a letter or syllable at the end of a word. A kind of metaplasm.
Don’t tell me what life is all about! You goddamn punk. I’ve seen it all. I’m writin’ my own bio: The Man Who Finished High School in Six Years. It’s about how I stayed back and ended up with 3-times as much knowledge as the average person, and also, I could climb ropes and play dodgeball. I was known as “Killer” because I killed one of my classmates in a tragic accident. It was shop class. I was working away on a wood carving of a pole dancer. I had fitted her with a brass pole. My classmate was bent over to see if I had put nipples on the dancer’s breasts. My shop teacher “Four Fingers” Rutlow, had forbidden me from doing that. I went ahead and did it anyway, for authenticity’s sake. I was sure my classmate would rat me out. I was coming up behind him to discuss what he was doing. I slipped on a wood shaving and fell on him from behind. I put out my hand to cushion my fall, and it ended up on the back of his head, pushing the pole dancer’s pole into his eye, and penetrating his brain. He died on his way to the hospital. In the commotion I was able to slip my wood carving into my back pack, and bring it home where it sits on my dresser in my bedroom. It was a scary event. I almost lost my woodcarving.
Five years later I was broke and needed to pay my rent. The only thing I owned was my pole-dancer carving. So, I pawned it for $25.00 which wasn’t even enough for groceries. I was getting ready to walk out into traffic when I got a text message from the pawn shop. Salvatore Namanara, the famous porn producer, had been shopping for porn-movie clothing when he saw my pole dancer carving. He wanted to meet. I texted Mr. Namanara and we agreed to meet at a seedy motel the next day. Things were turning around.
Each year the porn industry awards statuettes for different accomplishments, like having sex in a dumpster, or a Rhode Island-sized sex orgy. Mr. Namanara wanted me to carve the statuettes for the next year’s award ceremony. I stood to make $140,000! I went from being a loser to being a winner in a one-hour lunch meeting. Mr. Namanara had brought a contract for me to sign. I signed it.
I love carving the statuettes so much I even made one of Mr. Namanara. He cried when I give it to him. It depicted him sitting on top of a pile of gold bars masturbating. After I gave it to him, he kept it on his desk, which netted me additional commissions from his cronies who saw it and loved my work.
Eventually, people started collecting my works. I had an exhibition in New York called “Eros in Wood.” Many people have asked me why I don’t steer away from the “dirty” statuettes and carve pets, and families, and things like that. I tell them “Fu*k off. I love what I do.” I had become arrogant and it made me even more popular. I was invited to the White House. The President commissioned a statue of Andrew Jackson, nude, with what he called a “Populist Hard-on.” I started getting commissions from world leaders. It was crazy. Russia: Karl Marx in a threesome. UK: Oliver Cromwell being spanked. USA: Richard Nixon at a glory hole. The statuette has a digital recording embedded in the base. When you press the little red button it says “I’m not a crook” in Nixon’s voice.
I am a billionaire. I have commissions running to the probable end of my life. I have built my reputation and fortune on smut & luck, and my skill as a wood carver. I am grateful to my shop teacher who let me do woodcarving instead of making lamps, and coffee tables, and book cases. Out of gratitude I am carving a life sized statue of my home town’s namesake, James Madison, squeezing his wife Dolly’s boobs.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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