Aporia

Aporia (a-po’-ri-a): Deliberating with oneself as though in doubt over some matter; asking oneself (or rhetorically asking one’s hearers) what is the best or appropriate way to approach something [=diaporesis].

I’ve got to get married before I turn 21 or I lose the 12 billion dollars my grandpa left me. He had the biggest meth lab on the East Coast. He was responsible for a myriad of ruined lives and senseless deaths, unless you’re addicted to meth—then it makes perfect sense. Grandpa was never arrested or suspected. He lived a straight and quiet life and never went near the lab. Uncle Eddy ran it it. He had gone to the Wharton School of Business and graduated at the top of his class.

The lab was disguised as a huge tomato canning facility, and was, in a way a cornerstone of the community. They actually produced canned tomatoes and mixed canned meth into their shipments. It was foolproof. Grandpa died of “old age” in the “Flying Angel” nursing home, which he owned. He bought it when Grandma had to be put there after she started eating dog biscuits and made the pool boy paint her a different color every day. The pool boy squealed on her, and that was that.

I was turning 21 in three months, so I needed to get to work on getting married. I had met a matchmaker named Henna Marsnip. I thought “Can this work? Can this get me in under the finish line?”

Ms. Marsnip had me fill out an extensive questionnaire—everything from my favorite movie to my shoe size. She knew that billions of dollars were riding on this. All the women she lined up for me had one thing in in common; they were gold diggers.

Then, one day I left my briefcase at Henna’s. I rang her door bell. She answered the door wearing only a bathrobe. She looked in my eyes and opened the robe! She was naked underneath. She smiled: “I’m not a gold digger,” she said through a beautiful beaming smile. She invited me in and handed me my briefcase. She said, “Please stay awhile.” I stayed more than awhile. She’s five years older than me, but it isn’t a problem. We got married the day before my 21st birthday. I asked myself over and over “Can this work?” Finally, I just quit asking and decided to enjoy Henna’s wonderful presence in my life.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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