Apothegm

Apothegm (a’-po-th-e-gem): One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, gnome, maxim, paroemia, proverb, and sententia.

I looked out the window and it was snowing like holy hell. It hadn’t snowed like this since 1989 when everything went to hell. They closed the air conditioner plant and moved it to Mexico. Ever since then I’ve been making do with odd jobs, some more odd than others. I say “Life isn’t a bowl of cherries” for me, it’s a bowl of shit.

I looked out the window and the thermometer said 17. Then I noticed there were four sticks sticking out of the snow that looked like were furry! Oh my God, it was my dog President’s legs! I thought, “He’s probably dead, I’ll just leave him there until spring.” Then, one of his feet twitched. I put on my boots and ran out in the yard in my pajamas to retrieve President. I stuck my hands under his back and picked him up like a human fork lift. He made some strange noise—he was trying to bark but his jaws were frozen shut. What had happened was my fault. I was drinking scotch and looking at “Reels” on Facebook. I had my earbuds in, so I did not hear him barking and whining at the screen porch door. I had forgotten he was outside. I went to bed.

I got my wife’s blow dryer to heat him up. First, I got his jaws working again, then I warmed his torso, sweeping hot blasts of air up and down his sides. When he was warm and dry, I wrapped him in a blanket and put him down by a heating duct.

I took him to the vet as soon as I got dressed. Everything was ok, but his tail had gotten frost bitten and needed to be amputated. President’s tail was his proudest feature. It was a fur flag that he proudly waved. When he wagged it, it was like he was writing a love song in the air. It was moving. It was majestic. It was President.

So, I had an uncle who is a cabinet maker. We commissioned him to make President a prosthetic tail. He took an extra long silicone adult toy, and glued specially dyed rabbit fur to it. He modified the toy’s harness so it cold be strapped on President.

President loves his strap-on tail. When he shakes his butt back and forth, his wagging tail sounds like a whip cutting the air.

All I can say is “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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