Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.
I never knew what was coming next. My life was like an entrance to a busy department store. But I had nothing to sell. Everybody who passed through my life was disappointed. I had nothing to offer. Nothing spiritual. Nothing material. I was like a cartoon that wasn’t serious or funny. I was like a brain damaged Donald Duck—I had no quack, no meaning, no significance. The only characteristic I possessed was honesty. Since I had nothing to tell the truth about though, I had nothing to say, and to many people, that made me a liar.
Then, I read about George Washington chopping down his father’s prize cherry tree and readily admitting it when his father questioned him about it: “Father, I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down your cherry tree.” His father never asked him why he did it, but I think he did it to show his prowess as a lumberjack and truth teller.
I have a friend who is a criminal defense attorney who always complains when his client is obviously guilty, and there’s really no defense. He asked me if there’s any way I could help him, given my reputation for claiming to tell the truth all the time while all the time probably lying. I resented that, but I didn’t care. I needed to make a better living. Currently, I was working as a temporary contractor for the Catholic Church. I worked in a confessional 3 days a week i absolved everybody and felt good about it. I didn’t listen to their confessions, so I felt absolving them was my best option.
I was excited about my new job—it was pretty screwed up, but I could guarantee a reduced sentence, if only the client would follow my lead. I needed to have her or him tell me what really happened. I would record their story and revise it stylistically make it sound remorseful and sincere, while keeping it true. I’d soften the language so it didn’t sound as bad as it had at the client’s telling. We would also look for scapegoats to add to the story who could absorb some of the blame. For example, in some regions of the US if you truthfully tell a jury your client was raised by Liberals you may get a not guilty verdict, especially in the case of murdering one’s parents. We always tell the “truth” and make it “speak” on our behalf.
I became known as “”Saint Johnny” for my ability to wield the truth in defense of miscreants—of murders, robbers, child abusers, embezzlers, and more. I feel it’s my civic duty to give the guilty a better chance. I have a guarantee: if we lose big time, I’ll serve a “small part” of the sentence myself. Of cause, a “small part” is 2 days max.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 