Asyndeton (a-syn’-de-ton): The omission of conjunctions between clauses, often resulting in a hurried rhythm or vehement effect. [Compare brachylogia. Opposite of polysyndeton.]
“Time! Time! Time!” Mr. Hubert would yell that off his front porch. He lived alone in a small home and was retired from the NFL where he coached the Buffalo Bills for twenty-five years. He was the most decorated coach in NFL history earning the Tommy Lasorda Medal Of Honor twice for “only cheating a few times during an entire season.” Mr. Hubert told us his time thing was about calling time out during football games. He said he was protecting the United States of America by declaring time out. Our enemies such as Japan and Russia were required by the United Nations to come to a full stop when he yelled “Time! Time! Time!”
Mr. Hubert was nuts. What he had actually done for his whole working life was bag groceries at Shop Rite and work part-time as a boiler watcher—watching a dial for four hours every night, making sure it didn’t go into the red. He had a chronic stiff neck from watching the boiler and always wore a neck brace. When he retired, Shop Rite threw him a party in the baked goods section of the supermarket. He was allowed to choose a bag of oatmeal cookies, a chocolate cake, a crumb cake, or a box of jelly donuts as his going away present. He chose the jelly donuts.
After 20 years with Shop Rite, he felt a box of jelly donuts was a little stingy. He complained loudly and the manager told him to take five cans of mustard sardines, a carrot, and two cans of garbanzo beans. Also, he could keep his Shop Rite apron. Mr. Hubert was overcome with what he called “gratitude.”
He drove directly to Dick’s Sporting Goods and bought a Glock and five boxes of ammo. Things were taking a turn for the worse. Tomorrow was THE day. Shop Rite would pay dearly. The next day he arrived at Shop Rite just as it was opening. He had the loaded Glock hidden in the waistband of his pants. When he got to the produce section, he pulled out the Glock and started firing. He took out 11 watermelons, 9 cantaloupe, 11 honeydew, and at least 30 apples—mainly Honey Crisp. When he was done, he dropped the Glock and went outside with his hands up yelling “Time. Time. Time. I am not a crazy weirdo maniac lunar module danger man. I am Mr. Hubert.”
Since he didn’t kill anybody, the police gave him back his Glock and told him to help clean up the mess he had made. Mr. Hubert agreed to do as they said. He finished up around 7.00. As he was leaving, the manager caught up with him and offered Mr. Hubert a box of blueberry muffins. Mr. Hubert took the box and took out a muffin and smeared it on his face. He said: “That’s what I think of your muffins.” He walked home with muffin on his face. People yelled taunts out their car windows, calling him Muffin Man and things like that. When he got home, he pulled his Glock and shot the front door’s doorknob until the door opened. He went inside and sat down at his kitchen table and ate a half-bag of oatmeal cookies. He washed the cookies down with two glasses of whole milk. Then, he opened his shot up front door and yelled “Time! Time! Time!” out to the street. Then, he unloaded his Glock and went to bed.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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