Catachresis (kat-a-kree’-sis): The use of a word in a context that differs from its proper application. This figure is generally considered a vice; however, Quintilian defends its use as a way by which one adapts existing terms to applications where a proper term does not exist.
Every time I hear “AI,” I think of the Carmen Miranda song: “AI, AI, I love you very much, AI, AI, I, think I do.” I see a woman dancing with a basket of fruit on her head somewhere in South America, most likely, Argentina. But this is my problem, not yours. I don’t know what AI is. “Artificial Intelligence” seems like an oxymoron to me, like “jumbo shrimp” or “alone together.”
My bony brain is turned to lava by the hot heavens of technology. In other words, I don’t understand. I recover from my fruitless musings by eating the banana resting in a bowl on my kitchen’s granite- topped island—disjoined from the kitchen counters, adrift in the center of the kitchen with pendant lights above casting their beams on the banana in the bowl below—yellow, with a few brown spots, at its peak as an edible.
AI, AI, I love you very much!
As far as I know, “Rod Johnson” was the first AI-driven animatronic being. He was introduced in the early 1950s to supplement the teaching of health-related topics in 9th grade classes across America, until the “League of Decent Citizens” lobbied to have him removed and burned. There is only one known Ron Johnson remaining. He is housed in the “Museum for the History of Visual Aids” in Iceland, adjacent to the famous Penis Museum in Reykjavik.
Rod’s mechanism: since he was deployed in the 1950s, there is only a heterosexual version of Rod. You plug him in. You slide the switch on the back of his neck to the “On” position. Rod’s eyes open wide. Choose one of the soft-core XXX pictures from the pile stacked in front of him. Hold the picture in front of Rod’s eyes. Then, pop goes the weasel, and there is a tent in Rod’s pants. Rod was supposed to be used in Health Class Units devoted to the male erection, its causes, and effects.
Things went wrong. Even though the pictures were locked in the principal’s office at the end of the day, it was rumored that teachers were staying after school and “doing things” that made the Rod Doll pop up. It was never proven, but nevertheless, the Rod Johnson dolls were confiscated and burned. Many people thought it was jealousy about the reliability of Rod’s pop-up function that led to his demise. Many men felt threatened by his 100% average.
But here we are today. A Japanese company is working on a life size Rod Johnson animatronic companion. It comes with three different size penises, a variable-speed humper function, and a heated variable-speed twirling tongue. Currently, they are back-ordered to 2031.
AI, AI, I love you very much!
So, without knowing what it is that I’m talking about, I’ve rambled way off point and probably angered and disgusted some of you. But, on balance disgust peeks from my soul’s basement, from the dank inner sphere of its deteriorating French dam cracked by anger as it floods—floods, floods, floods. That’s what I think.
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Rod! Bring me a robot brownie so I may eat the future for dessert. No?
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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