Comparatio (com-pa-ra’-ti-o): A general term for a comparison, either as a figure of speech or as an argument. More specific terms are generally employed, such as metaphor, simile, allegory, etc.
How many times have you been compared to a pig? A dirty dog? A cow? A manatee? A landfill? A piece of meat? A toad? A hippo? A snake? A pile of shit? A rat? A worm? An asshole? A scumbag? A skunk?
How many times have you used these comparisons due to anger, being hurt, or being drunk, or all of the above? Do you remember calling your mother a scumbag? No? We both know it was because you were drunk. You are all a bunch of irresponsible drunks. You call people names. You get in trouble and may get punched in the face, pushed down a flight of stairs, or you may get shot.
In short, you are what we call “nasty drunks.” There’s nothing wrong with getting drunk, but there is something wrong with being a nasty drunk. Coping with your miserable life is enhanced by an alcohol-induced sense of well-being, no matter what the circumstances—from living in a mansion on a hill, to sleeping on a cardboard bed on a cracked sidewalk. But nastiness has no place anywhere.
You have come to “Last Chance LLC” because you have no other place to turn. For those of you who have insurance, you’re covered. For those of you with limited resources, you’ll be donating two pints of blood per day and be a test subject for our experimental tattoo removal equipment. You will receive a complementary tattoo each week that will provide a site for our equipment’s weekly testing.
THE PROGRAM
The Program lasts eight weeks. In pursuit of the Program you will be provided enough vodka to get you drunk by 7:00 pm every evening. Then, you will join a nastiness workshop. Participants will be seated in a row. Ms. Crane will parade past you, pausing in front of you and farting loudly in your direction, and saying something nasty to you. You must frame a rejoinder that does not escalate things, and enables you and Ms. Crane to vigorously shake hands before she moves on to the next participant.
At the end of the Program, you will be awarded a lapel pin and a framed “Certificate of Civility” that states: “The person named on this certificate has undergone a rigorous program of training purging them of nastiness, enabling them to maintain an appropriate level of decorum while drunk. They are qualified to attend social events where alcohol is served, and to frequent bars, pubs, and taverns, and get drunk.”
As you move ahead into your nasty-free life, disorderly conduct may be a thing of the past. You’ll stumble through life with the buzz you need to cope with it all, without fearing fistfights, being shot, or the alienation of friends and people you love. You will be a nice, and possibly entertaining, drunk
Our credo is: “Get drunk, be nice.” When you graduate, we hope our credo becomes your credo.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 