Diaporesis: Deliberating with oneself as though in doubt over some matter; asking oneself (or rhetorically asking one’s hearers) what is the best or appropriate way to approach something [=aporia].
Do you really enjoy having bad breath? What about your sagging ass? Oh, and we can’t forget farting. Do you like to fart and stink up a ten-foot radius with your naturally-produced stench? I don’t think so.
All of these things have been deeply studied by NASA scientists. You may be saying to yourself “What the hell does my sagging ass have to do with space travel?”
What? You have to ask?
The “sagging ass” has posed a serious problem to spacesuit safety ever since John Glen’s sagging ass almost got him killed when his left cheek’s sag pinched his spacesuit’s air transportation system on his second orbit of earth. He passed out and floated to his capsule’s hatch where his butt lodged on a bolt and pulled the pinch out of his spacesuit, restoring the flow of air and saving the mission.
To keep this from happening again, NASA scientists developed a butt-firming supplement tablet that also included organic ingredients to combat bad breath and farting, two maladies that are anathema to working with others in enclosed spaces. The first space mission was nearly scrapped due to Robert Crippen’s bad breath and John Young’s farting problem. Neither of them wanted to spend one minute together flying around in the Space Shuttle, STS-1.
Working day and night in the weeks before the shuttle launch, NASA hired experimental test subjects from all walks of life. A major breakthrough on an anti-farting medication was enabled by the famous flatulist Lars Pow. Pow farted “Flight of the Bumblebee” while NASA scientists observed his sphincter and tested rubbing various substances on it as it expanded and contracted. They found a supplement that would open the sphincter very wide, and affect the gas’s oder too. The open sphincter would also allow farts to blow noiselessly, allowing people to stay focused, being unaware of the fart’s presence. This breakthrough was made possible only days before the shuttle’s launch.
The same was the case with bad breath. NASA scientists tried everything from a bottle-brush like tool that scrubbed the inside of the mouth, to a mouth-mounted breath filtering device. None of the mechanical devices proved efficient. Then, one of the scientists on the team from Bolivia, told the team that there were natives living along the Amazon who were known as the “Sweet Breath People.” NASA dispatched the Bolivian and two other team members to find out what made their breaths sweet. They discovered that the natives cultivated a plant whose leaves they chewed. Bingo! The NASA scientists bought one kilo of the plant’s leaves, and 100 live plants to grow in their laboratories.
Upon their return they discovered that the leaves’ special properties could only be released by chewing—by mixing with the mouth’s saliva. The scientists scrapped the tablets they earlier created and worked day and night on a chewing gum. They succeeded, and then added the remedies for sagging ass and farting to the breath gum. They called the all-in-one gum “NASA All in One Gum.”
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Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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