Diazeugma (di-a-zoog’-ma): The figure by which a single subject governs several verbs or verbal constructions (usually arranged in parallel fashion and expressing a similar idea); the opposite of zeugma.
I was riding with my parents to my twelfth birthday party at Chucky Cheese. I was strapped into my car seat. My overprotective parents thought I was too small for a seatbelt. They believed I would fly through the windshield if we had an accident. My car seat didn’t bounce, rock, or wobble. It was solid. It took up the whole rear passenger area of the car and was bolted to the floor. It was upholstered with kangaroo hide. It had two cup holders—one on each side—a headrest, and a tray for snacks and my laptop. There was a pocket on the side where I keep my lotto tickets, cigarettes, cocaine, and newspapers.
The big newspaper headline this morning was “Trump Can’t Stop Saying “Mallard Duck.” Last week it was “Gooey Mittens. “Mallard Duck” seems to be an improvement. The thing is, nobody seems to care. Already, they’re selling hats and t-shirts that say Mallard Duck on them. JD Vance is telling us that “the mallard duck” is a strategy for “ducking things” that pose a threat to national security. That would include Chow Mein, Bidets, Maple Syrup, Cuckoo clocks, and Doc Martens.
It was hard to believe that he’d only been President for a week. So much had happened. Hilary Clinton was jailed for “taboo behavior in an automobile” for reclining her seat “all the way” in a public parking lot. Bernie Sanders has been compared to Freddie Kruger and is being sought for “crimes against humanity.” Obama has been deported to Kenya.
Now that fully-automatic weapons are legal and issued to every American, 50-1,100 people are being mowed down on a daily basis—schools and malls are the most likely places to die, followed by sporting events and dance clubs. Desolate areas of Texas and Arizona have been made into concentration camps for the anticipated influx of at least a million of captured illegal aliens. Trump’s first “catch” was a Canadian man who tried to marry an American woman he had been dating for two years.
The worst is the requirement that every American eat at least two beef patties with onions per day. People are subject to random blood testing of cholesterol levels. If you fail the test you’re remanded to “Beef Camp” for reeducation; slaughtering cows and dismembering them with electric chainsaws. A close second is “Tribute.” Income taxes have been abolished. Now, my parents pay trbute directly to Trump and he doles the money out at his discretion to government entities and family members.
2025 can only get crazier. I want to fly away on one of those drones hovering over New Jersey.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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