Epitheton (e-pith’-e-ton): Attributing to a person or thing a quality or description-sometimes by the simple addition of a descriptive adjective; sometimes through a descriptive or metaphorical apposition. (Note: If the description is given in place of the name, instead of in addition to it, it becomes antonomasia or periphrasis.)
My friend Tolbert yelled at me “Hey, any luck so far?” I told him I had grabbed one. I was waiting for the bell. Everybody would be changing classes, filling the hall with targets. The bell rang and the hallway filled. A ninth-grader yelled at me “It’s the Mad Ass Grabber.” She pointed at me and there was a stampede to get away from me. She fled along with everybody else.
To my surprise, there was one person who went nowhere. She was bent over, looking over shoulder at me and patting her butt. It was Mary-Linda Wooperetti. She had just been declared the fattest girl in New Jersey who was still able to walk. She weighed 422 lbs. I met her once at the doctor’s. My asthma was acting up. She was there for her weekly blood pressure check. Given her size, she was a risk for a heart attack.
I decided I was going to grab Mary-Linda’s ass. Clearly, she was asking for it. I decided to do a “Super Grab.” I lifted her skirt with one had and pulled down her panties with the other. I reached in and grabbed her ass. My hand sunk into her butt cheek. It had the consistency of a marshmallow. It surprised me. I started to pull out my hand, but Mary-Linda clamped her butt muscle trapping my hand. Mary-Linda said, “Come on, it’s time for lunch and started pulling me toward the cafeteria. I draped my hoodie over my arm so nobody would see my arm sunk in Mary-Linda’s butt cheek trapping my hand.
I didn’t know what to do. I sat alongside her with my hand in her but cheek. It was hard eating lunch with one hand. I had to ask Mary-Linda to help me cut my meat. She helped me.
After lunch, we skipped out of school. Mary-Linda had a car. We headed for her family’s cabin in the woods. I begged her to let go of my hand. She refused. We arrived at the cabin. I followed her inside (What choice did I have?). She bent over the couch, lifted her skirt, pulled down her panties, and let go of my hand. It slid my hand out of her cheek, and I flexed it to overcome its numbness and cramps.
After Mary-Linda let go of my hand, she turned around and faced me. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and nearly white straight blond hair. She told me I could grab her ass anytime. She knew that I had a mental problem and would make her ass available to keep me from grabbing random asses, which had already gotten me in trouble. She called me “Mr. Clean” and told me that she would make sure everybody would call me that—“no more ‘The Mad Ass Grabber,’ or ‘Grabber’ for short, just Mr. Clean.”
We fell in love right there in the cabin.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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