Eulogia (eu-lo’-gi-a): Pronouncing a blessing for the goodness in a person.
I refused to say “God bless you” when I witnessed a sneeze. If I was alone with somebody, there was this awkward silence while the person who sneezed waited for me to bless them. I never did. I stopped blessing sneezes when I realized there was nothing about a sneeze to bless. It was a loud noise, sometimes accompanied by spraying mucous. Definitely not worthy of God’s blessing. So, I either remained silent or said “good one.”
I went to my girlfriend Delilah’s home for Thanksgiving Dinner. I didn’t know how religious they were, or I would’ve stayed away. There was a life-size cardboard cutout of Jesus on the cross leaning up against the end of the entryway hall. As I came through the front door, Delilah’s dad said “Yolalda hoolala lo loo loo balalaikaama Nam!” He was speaking in tongues. He put his hand on my forehead and I said “be bop a loola” and fell on the floor. Delilah’s father picked me up and said “We might like you boy.” I brushed myself off and went into the dining room and sat down next to Delilah. Her father said, “I’ll let you sit side by side, but I will not permit you to fornicate at the table, or touch each other. Hallelujah!” Delilah giggled and grabbed me under the table. I thought her dad would stab me with the carving knife if he caught on.
Then, there was a payer by Delilah’s Uncle Mick. The prayer was about 30 minutes long and spanned a lot of territory, from FOX News, to his car’s spark plugs, to the soft inexpensive toilet paper he had found at the supermarket, to Tik-Tok, to ham and pineapple pizza, and a myriad of other blessed things, ending with his zero-turn lawnmower. When we had all said “Amen,” Mick Sneezed,
Everybody but me said ”God bless you.” I just sat there silently as Delilah’s mother carried out the turkey. It was made to look like Mt. Sinai, with Moses receiving the Ten Commandments, surrounded by baby rutabagas decorated like golden calves with little marshmallow people dancing around them. I thought I was off the hook until Delilah’s fathers said “ You failed to offer God’s blessing to Uncle Mick—a righteous man. You have transgressed mightily. Accordingly, you may partake only of Brussels sprouts, like bitter herbs, the least savory of all the Thanksgiving fare.” Delilah squeezed my crotch under the table, so I stayed.
After dinner we discussed a Bible verse: Psalm 34:8 – “Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!” Delilah’s father took a bite of pumpkin pie and said “Yea this piece of pie is anointed with eggs, vessels of life and perpetuation. Wherefore thou pumpkin is mixed with the spices giving it life—making it pumpkin pie. Amen.” A lot of people said a lot of things at dinner, but Delilah’s father was the craziest.
Delilah squeezed my crotch twice. That signaled urgency, so we left. Nobody noticed. They were discussing loving your neighbors. Delilah’s father had his arm around his neighbor Ms. Eden.
When we got to my house we watched a couple of episodes of Peroit and dealt with the urgency. When we were done, I called a cab for Delilah and she went home at 9:30.
This was the most bizarre day of my life.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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