Inter se pugnantia (in’-ter-say-pug-nan’-ti-a): Using direct address to reprove someone before an audience, pointing out the contradictions in that person’s character, often between what a person does and says.
I was going crazy trying to figure out what to say at the debate tonight. I was novice at politics but I believed with all my heart and soul that the Mayor of Jollyville, New York should be a dictator with unlimited power to act any way he chose to act without requiring the consent of a city council or the people of Jollyville. The city council would do what I told it to do, and the citizens would suck it up. I had read “Atlas Shrugged” ten times and knew that Commies were lurking everywhere and we needed a strong leader to drive them back where they can came from. One of my first priorities would be to clear the town library, burn the books, and replace them with 10 copies of “Atlas Shrugged” and make the rest of the library into a B&B. Next on the list is to invade Shady Glen and annex it. Our goal will be to to make Jollyville into a jumbo town taking up all of Central New York, making it a major player in Albany, New York’s capitol.
I shouldn’t be saying this, but North Korea has offered to provide us with arms to accomplish our goals. The Jollyville Fish and Game Club is looking forward to sending members to North Korea to learn how to fire missiles. North Korea also offered to provide Korean cookbooks so we can develop a better understanding of their culture. Everybody’s renewing their hunting licenses so they can walk around in the woods with loaded weapons, getting used to the future when they’ll be walking around Jollyville on my behalf. All this may seem absurd and/or frightening. It isn’t. It is all about change and returning to the America we all knew when we were a British Colony. The “Uber Mayor Party” will develop Jollyville into a model of order where the trains run on time, there are no homeless people or foreigners, and we are known for the absolute obedience of our citizens.
I think I’m ready for the debate.
Me: “To my unworthy opponent sitting there on his fat ass while Jollyville becomes a weak and listless town: contrary to your assertions regarding your toughness, I have personally seen you help an old woman stand up after her walker malfunctioned. You showed your weakness and failure to heed the dictum of survival of the fittest and leave her begging for help, lying on the ground. You have the soul of a wet noodle, unlike mine which is solid steel. What do you have to say for yourself King Wimp?”
Opponent: “You are one sick bastard. Kindness is a virtue that can elevate us all, to make our community brightly lit by charity’s heartfelt flame. Your ethic will turn our beloved Jollyville into a dog eat dog battlefield—littered with the bodies of the sick, and elderly and those in need—men, women, and children. You, sir, are mentally ill—a psychopath with no redeeming attributes. Having you as Mayor will open the door to tyranny and viscous injustice. I reject you and all you stand for.”
POSTSCRIPT
I won the election by a landslide—it wasn’t even close. My opponent has been arrested and I’m looking forward to my trip to Belarus to meet with the North Korean ambassador.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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