Martyria (mar-tir’-i-a): Confirming something by referring to one’s own experience.
I know that war is hell. When I was in Vietnam, I got clap four times from the same whore! As a nineteen year old maniac I made a lot of mistakes. My job was guarding the docks at Cam Ranh Bay. I stood watch every night. She came by every night around 3:00 am and we did it on the ground on my poncho behind a cargo container. She was beautiful. Her name was “Beaucoup Bang Bang”. In addition to paying her $10.00 per ride, I bought her cartons of cigarettes, bottles. of cognac, and jewelry from the PX. I even bought her a Yashica camera, an eight-track tape deck, and a set of Noritake dinnerware. When the camera was found on a VC captured at Phantom Rang, it was tracked back to the PX, and then, to me.
Colonel TZ ( “Twilight Zone”) Cambell had me hauled in by the MPs for questioning about collaborating and giving comfort and aid to the enemy. I told him I had purchased the camera for a very nice whore I had met when she had lost her dog outside the church I attend. He said, “Bullshit soldier! The medics have told me about your pecker problems. Beaucoup Bang Bang is known for infecting you troopers with clap. Have you ever heard of a condom boy? Don’t you realize that she’s a VC agent?” I’d been in Vietnam for 2 months and didn’t even know the VC had agents, and I wasn’t sure what a VC was either. “Sir” I said, “What is a condom, Sir?” I figured if I played dumb, I’d somehow get off the hook. Colonel TZ pulled out his penis —he was wearing a condom. He said, “See this? I wear one of these all the time, except when I’m takin’ a leak. You will too. Do you hear me soldier?” I yelled “Yes sir! Wilco!”
Now, I was being shadowed by a CIA operator. I was suspected of being a VC agent. After my meeting with Col. TZ a VC bunker had been discovered with a Noritake formal dinnerware service for twelve laid out on a rustic table, an 8-track cassette tape player on a shelf dug out of the dirt, alongside five cartons of Luckies, and a bottle of cognac. The tape player had a serial number that was traced to me.
The CIA operator’s name was Nadir—surely a fake name. He wore black pajamas and carried a .45 on each hip. He had a really soft voice and a skull ring on his left hand. He literally followed 3 feet behind me everywhere I went. I missed Boom Boom so much I considered killing Nadit so I could visit her at the “Reindeer Chicken” where she was a “Saigon Tea” girl during the day.
Then it happened. From wearing a condom all the time, my penis started to smell and developed pustules. It was worse than the clap. I went to the hospital. When the doctor saw my penis, he said “Wo! We had a case just like yours 2 months ago. We had to amputate the Colonel’s member.” As soon as he said “Colonel” I knew who it was. “We had to emergency medivac him to Manila where they lopped it off and gave him a fake weiner bigger than the old one.”I was ready to burst into tears when the doctor told me, “But you’re in better shape than the Colonel. With the proper antibiotics and rigorous hygiene, you’ll be back on duty in 3 weeks. In the meantime, we’re sending you to Hawaii for R&R. See you in a month!” I was given a government provided condo on the island of Kauai in Kilauea overlooking Kauai Bay. I underwent penis therapy every day. The nurse would knock on my door and yell “It’s me! I’m here to give you a hand!” Her name was Lithium, “Lith” for short. She made me laugh, and I forgot about Boom Boom.
I went back to Vietnam and was reassigned to the base mail room. I wrote to Lith nearly every day and she wrote back to me. I was totally rehabilitated and made a pact with myself to stay away from the hookers. There was a place on base called “Handy House” where I could get what I wanted without worrying about contracting an STD. When my tour was up in Vietnam, I went to Hawaii and Lith and I got married. After a year of total bliss, and the beginning of Lith’s pregnancy, a new nail salon opened called “Boom Boom Nails.” I was walking past it, and guess what? Yup, you got it. I looked in the window, and It was her. She motioned me in. She told me she got married, but did not have any children. She showed me a photo of her husband. It was Colonel XT! I was shocked, but that’s life. I had a pretty good idea why Boom Boom didn’t have any children, but she seemed happy. Life is complex. You never know what’s going to happen next.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 