Medela (me-de’-la): When you can’t deny or defend friends’ faults and seek to heal them with good words.
When Joey chewed it sounded like scotch tape being pulled off of cardboard, but it has a 1-2 beat. He never used silverware. He would drink his soup from the bowl and shoved his food off his plate into his mouth, using his hand like a plow. When I asked him why he ate that way he told me he was in a hurry. He was really good with finger food, so whenever we went out to eat together, I made sure beforehand that there was nothing on the menu requiring a knife, fork, or spoon.
Today, we were at “Gill’s Burger Bunker.” Gill was a bi-polar former CIA Agent. He had spent 10 years in Saigon. After the war, he was stationed “somewhere” in South America in infiltrating Communist cells and radioing encoded reports back to Langley, where they were routinely ignored or misplaced. Gill didn’t care. He was having a great time. He learned how to tango, make ceviche, how to barbecue a guinea pig, how to ride a horse and braid whips. There’s more, but suffice it to say, Gill’s CIA stint in South America was a lot of fun. He married a Peruvian woman. They were married on the beach in Lima and have 9 children. Five of the children help out at the “Bunker.” The other five are in “government service.” That’s all Gill will say.
So anyway, we ordered lunch. I ordered fried scallops and a draft beer. Joey ordered batter-dipped shrimp and the “Aztec Whacker.” It was called the AW and it was advertised as the world’s largest coke. If you could finish it without peeing before you finished it, it was free. It came in a stone jug and cost $25.00. Gill had gotten the idea from touring Aztec ruins when he was stationed in South America. The jugs factored into the Aztec’s sacrificial rituals. The person being sacrificed drank from the jug which was filled with pulque (made from the sap of the agave plant) and peyote.
Joey had been trying to “beat the jug” ever since I knew him. He was never able to do it. Joey went to work on the Aztec Whacker. It sounded like I was sitting across the table from a hog trough. I said to Joey “Eating with you is like witnessing an atrocity, but your persistence with the ‘Aztec Whacker’ is commendable. By my count, you’re in it for $600. It’s like you’re trying to climb Mt. Everest. You know you haven’t got a chance, but you keep on trying anyway.” Joey put down the jug and smiled. He said, “Thanks Sal. You’re a true friend.”
I thought, if I was a true friend, I’d encourage him to get help and start eating like a normal person. But, I was working on a documentary about Joey. It was called “American Slob.” I had been using my cellphone to video Joey eating. The best video so far is Joey shoving a post Thanksgiving turkey croquet into his mouth with one hand while he pours gravy in his mouth at the same time.with the other hand. He chokes on the gravy and half-chewed turkey croquet is expelled, hitting his grandmother in the forehead. Joey is scolded by his mother and they résumé eating.
At some point I’ll tell Joey what I’m up to, but not yet.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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