Metalepsis (me-ta-lep’-sis): Reference to something by means of another thing that is remotely related to it, either through a farfetched causal relationship, or through an implied intermediate substitution of terms. Often used for comic effect through its preposterous exaggeration. A metonymical substitution of one word for another which is itself figurative.
“You look like a dido with arms and legs.“ I had done it again. Ever since I had studied the Stoics, “I told it like it is.” My arrogant rejection of euphemism and flattery had destroyed my social life, but it had cultivated my moral life (so I thought).
When I called my wife a dildo, she hit me over the head with a wine carafe. Then, she wrapped a towel around my bleeding head and drove me to the hospital. I had to get 96 stitches across my forehead.
My wife still looked like a dildo.
Why did she look like a dildo? When I asked myself that question, I realized that the source of my comparison was not honesty and forthrightness—it was error. It was my addiction to pornography. Lately, I had been watching videos that “starred” dildos. I was becoming a dildophile and, maybe, I would start a collection of dildos from around the world. I even had a lewd fantasy of giving one to my wife and asking to watch her use it. I was lost in porno hell. I tried to quit, to wean myself from the filth. I watched “Partridge Family” and “Brady Bunch” and “Andy Griffith Show” reruns, trying to realign my moral compass. But sadly, my moral compass unerringly pointed to dildo. It was like every road led to dildo. Uh ad to shake—I had a dildo on my back.
So, I pretty much failed to cure myself of my dildo fever. None of the remedial videos worked. I even had a dream about Barny chasing Aunt Bee around the kitchen waving a purple dildo. I dreamed about the Partridges singing into dido microphones and drumming with dildos, backing up the bass dildo and the rhythm dildo. My “Brady Bunch” dreams were so terrifying that I am unable to recount them without suffering PTSD.
So, I capitulated to my dildophilia and developed a nightclub act where I told off-color jokes about dildos and juggled up to 5 dildos at the same time. I would come on stage when the pole dancers took a break. I would lay my didos on my folding table, pick one up and fondle it, then pick up a second dildo, rub them together, and begin juggling, and engaging my dildo-joke patter. For example: while juggling my dildos, I’d say “Dildos are great meat substitutes.” I stole most of my jokes from the internet.
My act was gaining in popularity, and I started to accept my addiction. They started calling me “Dildo King.” A Chinese dildo company “Lucky Stroke” offered me $500,000 to endorse their newest product “Substitute Teacher.” They advertise their dildos as “tools of love” and provide instruction manuals and a “choice of colors” tool boxes. I took the offer.
I am featured on porno sites all over the world. I love the way I sound in German dubbed in over my actual voice. Next month, I am going to Copenhagen for the annual “Porno Pioneers” gala. The oldest living porn star will be in attendance—Tawny Humper. She is 97 years old and inspired Elvis’s “Love Me Tender.” She will be receiving the “Porno Pioneers Life Achievement Award” commemorating her arrest and jailing in New York for “acting in a blue film.” The title of the film was “Rear Ended!” and it was about a woman who was struck from behind while she was driving to work, when she stopped at a stop sign. After being offered a meager payout, she seduced the car insurance adjuster for a higher payout for the damage to her car, and then, blackmailed him.
Anyway, I gave up the Stoicism and have considerably widened my circle of friends. However, there’s one Stoic precept I still entertan: “You have control over your own thoughts and actions, but not over the thoughts and actions of others.” Marcus Aurelius. This guy knew what he was talking about. If you take this to heart, a huge swath of futility will be cut from your life.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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