Metastasis (me-tas’-ta-sis): Denying and turning back on your adversaries arguments used against you.
You say I ruined the “Life’s a Gamble” float. “That’s bullshit and you know it, scumbag. It was you. I know it was you. You’re just trying to cover your own tracks by accusing me. I worked harder than anybody else on this goddamn float. I’ve been here everyday, and even spent some of my own money on it!” I yelled.
“Cheeto” Smith was a dog. The senior prom was two weeks away. He had been disgruntled all the way because his idea for a float was not chosen by the committee, but mine was. He wanted the float to be a giant spider chasing the senior class to the prom, in a sort of horror movie scenario. The football coach, Mr. Bell would drive the float, zig-zagging back and forth and playing a recording of a bear growling from loudspeakers affixed to the spider’s eye sockets. The spider was designed to “eat” three or four seniors on the way to the gym. It had soft furry mandibles that were designed to pull the students in without hurting them.
The fear the spider would engender was deemed contradictory to the spirit of the senior prom. Also, Cheeto’s hygiene was brought up—his teeth were orange like a beaver’s. The committee felt that he would not represent Bass-Weaver High in keeping with its mission statement; “To strive to be a very clean and healthy place with a devotion to learning in all the facets of attainment owed to passionate, committed, and caring human beings with good posture.”
Obviously, the committee made the right decision, rejecting Cheeto’s bizarre proposal, as well as Cheeto himself. My design was selected. Cheeto vandalized it out of jealousy. My “Life is a Gamble” float perfectly represented the prom’s theme, unlike Cheeto’s monster spider. I proposed a gambling casino theme for the float with a dice table, roulette wheel, and blackjack tables surrounded by dummy slot machines. The props would be made by students in wood shop and metal shop. There would be students gambling on the float, and winning, periodically jumping for joy and waving fistfuls of fake money.
The roulette wheel had been stolen, and some of the green felt on blackjack tables had been torn. We quickly raised money to replace and repair the items with a car wash. We raised more money than we needed and bought vodka with the extra cash we raised. This would be the best senior prom ever.
Cheeto finally returned to his senses and apologized and brushed his teeth. When he heard about Cheeto’s reform, our Principal Dr. Bowling said “Mission accomplished.”
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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