Metonymy (me-ton’-y-my): Reference to something or someone by naming one of its attributes. [This may include effects or any of the four Aristotelian causes {efficient/maker/inventor, material, formal/shape, final/purpose}.]
“The pen is mightier than the door.” Nobody knew what the hell this meant. It was supposedly written in the 18th century when revolution was in the air along with horse manure and rotting garbage. Nobody was happy—not even babies. The author of the aforequoted line was alleged to be Malarky O’Reilly. He was kicked out of Ireland, alleged to be a member of “Hearts of Steel.” He was accused of tearing down fences and poisoning livestock. The accusations were rooted in lies. Malarky was a nice guy and was happy to get a free ride to the American Colonies. Although he was Catholic, he found a job as a bell-ringer in the Presbyterian Church. He couldn’t remember the last time he had worshipped in a Catholic Church so he was untroubled by the ruse. Besides, he needed the money—bell ringing afforded him just enough money for a bed and two meals a day.
He had been told over and over that “talk is cheap.” In fact, it was free! It would not cost him a penny to talk for pay. He couldn’t afford law school, and he hated politicians. He had done some punning as a hobby. He wasn’t very good at it, but some people called him “entertaining” like a trained bear or a dog that would do tricks on command. He would say funny things instead of doing tricks. He would be an entertainer. He would make people laugh and throw coins at him.
History books tell us that standup comedy was invented in the 1800s, yet, here is Malarky, at the dawn of the American Revolution ready to give it a spin. He practiced for a month in front of his cracked mirror, repeating the same jokes over and over. When he thought he was ready, he had to find a venue. He struck a deal with the owner of one of the local coffee shops—Caffiends—owned by Jimmy “Java” Jones. Malarky agreed to give Java half of all the money he made from the “shower” of coins.
The time came: It was around 4pm. Caffiends was packed with Coffee drinkers, many on their third or fourth cup. High on caffeine, they were climbing the walls, talking really fast, and fidgeting wildly in their chairs.
Malarky stood up and climbed onto an empty apple crane he brought with him. Caffiends fell silent and all eyes were on Malarky. Java introduced him as “Malarky, the funny man from the Emerald Isle.” He thanked Java and began his routine: “I gave my brother a dollar an he spent it.” Silence. Malarky cleared his throat: “What did one plate whisper to the other plate? Dinner is on me.” Some laughs. “Should you have your whole family for a Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.” Sustained laughter and a smattering of applause. “What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.” Guffaws and applause.
Malarky went on like this for 20 minutes. After he told his jokes, he asked for money and his audience called him rude names and told him to go jump in the harbor with rocks in his pockets. Somebody threw a coffee mug at him and missed his head by inches. He made his escape through Caffiends back door. As he ran through the kitchen, Java yelled “Good riddance!” at Malarky and went out front to calm the crowd. Malarky gave up on the “standing there comedy” routine, moving to Maine where he worked as a sailmaker.
The eye-witness account of Malarky’s performance was recorded by Thomas Paine in his journal. Some say it formed the foundation for his “Common Sense.” This can’t be true, can it? Also, it was determined last year by a literary scholar at Cape Cod Community College that Malarky did not author “The pen is mightier than the door.” But he did write, “I wish I had wheels like Hancock’s” as he began walking to Mane.
Definitions courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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