Paroemion (par-mi’-on): Alliteration taken to an extreme where nearly every word in a sentence begins with the same consonant. Sometimes, simply a synonym for alliteration or for homoeoprophoron [a stylistic vice].
“Determined dogs drove dump-trucks down Drake Drive, dreadful, damned dogs.” This is the first line from the famous fiction writer Robert Magellan’s prizewinning novel “Dirty Dogs.” The 4 dirty dogs wear suits and ties and frequently speak in Latin catchphrases like “bona fide” or “alea iacta est.” Noteworthy for its astute use of alliteration, it prompted the “Colliding Consonants” fad, not only in literary works, but in speech too, where everyday speech became an alliteration arena, and so affected, that people were ticketed for its over-use. “Consonant Guards” were stationed in public places. They would record you on a phone and ticket you. If you took it to court, the recording would be played, and that would be that: a $25.00 fine would be levied and the defendant would be admonished by the judge to “Tone down the alliterations.”
How did this happen? How did alliterations make it into the legal system?
There was a woman in Texas, Taffy Jackson who never removed her hair curlers, and was as mean as a rattlesnake. She formed group called “Mothers Against Alliterations.” She argued that the Bible contains no alliterations, so they are Satan’s voice. Nobody bothered to check the veracity of her claim, so she became known as the “Chopper” chopping apart “consonanted couplings” and replacing them with non-alliterative words. She specialized in Texas school textbooks and novels. She earned permission to censor texts due to death threats and corrupt law enforcement departments, PLUS the huge following she had—millions of women had started wearing hair curlers all the time, some adopting terrycloth bathrobes and slippers too.
“Mothers Against Alliteration” caused unanticipated damage. “Fads” have almost become a thing of the past. There is fear that they will be regulated and become entangled in legal problems. After the alliteration fad was killed, men wearing high-heeled shoes emerged. The high-heel fad was quickly killed by “Real Men” a group from Texas founded by “Peener” Jackson, Taffy’s son who was a bouncer and professional wrestler. Peener was recently released from Huntsville State Prison where he spent six months for selling steroids to middle schoolers. Peener told us that the “Real Men” is his attempt to atone for past transgressions.
Just last week the “Equal Rights” fad bit the dust. It is part of a trend that will continue so long as there is social media and an infinite archipelago of burning hell-islands that it affords. Maybe literacy is the problem. Teaching people to read and write isn’t enough: it’s like giving a machine gun to a monkey.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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