Procatalepsis (pro-cat-a-lep’-sis): Refuting anticipated objections.
Dad: I know you’re going to say “I’d rather spend a week in the basement,” or, “I’d rather sit on a Porta-Pottie for a week,” or, “I’d rather be dead.” We go through this every year. It’s my vacation, and I choose where to go. End of story, so shut up and quit whining.
You’re going to like our home state—what I’ve got planned—who wants to go to Disneyland or Epcot when we can travel around our home state soaking up its culture and developing a deeper appreciation for our forebears’ experiences. I have our itinerary set out in a circle that will take us one week to travel, exploring a new wonder every day.
Lucinda: Dad?
Dad: Yes, Lucinda?
Lucinda: Where’s Mom?
Dad: She went on her own vacation.
Lucinda: Where did she go?
Dad: Never Mind. Shut up.
Day 1: Our first stop will be the “Grand Can-Bin.” They are the world’s largest processor of empty cans—over 10 million cans per year. The cans are crushed into metal cubes and sold to countries around the world to be used in the manufacture of cars, guided missiles, and drones. Their two biggest customers are China and Iran. We are proud of the contribution they make to our state’s economy.
Day 2: “The international Refrigerator Museum.” The museum tracks the evolution, and cultural foundations of the refrigerator. As far as we know the refrigerator was invented by Eskimos who actually lived in their refrigerators! The first modern day refrigerator was called the “ice box.” It was a box filled with ice and insulated by cats tied to the outside to keep out the heat. It was cruel and it was quickly banned by the lobbying efforts what were called “cat ladies.” Currently, the state of the art refrigerator is called”The Nordic King.” It will preserve a slice of baloney for a year and offers a beautiful display of the “Northern Lights” when you open the door.
Well, there’s a preview of what’s in store. We’re staying at a different motel every night! Our first night out we’re staying at “Coroner’s Rest.” Google says it’s “a cut above” the other local motels.
Little Bill: Dad, can I stay with Grandma instead of going on the trip?
Dad: What? After all the planning I’ve done? No way you ungrateful little pest! Shut up, or you’ll go where Mom went.
Little Bill: I want Mom!
Dad: Ok, you little twerp.
They went outside and Dad popped open the trunk of the car. There was Mom, She was gagged and bound with duct tape and writhing around, trying to get loose.
Little Bill: Gee Dad, Mom didn’t get far.
Lucinda was looking out the window and saw the whole thing. She called the police while Did was wrapping duct tape around struggling Little Bill’s head. The police arrived in minutes, freed Mom, and arrested Dad.
Dad (holding up his handcuffed wrists): We’re never going on vacation again you ungrateful bastards!
POSTSCRIPT
Mom and the kids went to Disneyland. Dad went to prison. He got four years for false imprisonment.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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