Prodiorthosis (pro-di-or-tho’-sis): A statement intended to prepare one’s audience for something shocking or offensive. An extreme example of protherapeia.
Did I ever tell you the joke about what caused the Great Depression? Here goes! “What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.” Ha ha!
We don’t have that problem here, but you’re all going to be standing in the unemployment line by the end of the month. My great-grandfather founded “No Phew Shoe” shoe deodorizing inserts and I “losted” it. We always competed with Dr. Scholl, but I became complacent—we stuck with rose petals when he started injecting charcoal into his inserts. He had his picture taken in a white lab coat to label his shoe deodorizers, while we stuck with “Stinky Pinkie the little toe with an attitude,” as a logo, never testing it with our customers as time went by. But, I should’ve known when we had T-shirts made with Stinky Pinkie on them, and we only sold two, that Stinky Pinkie was a bust. I just didn’t “toe” the line. But, what was worse was my embezzling. For that, I’ll probably go to prison.
The women! The beautiful women! I kept them happy with fake pearls and used cars, microwave ovens, and Tupperware. I took them on lavish vacations to places like Seaside Heights, New Jersey; Liberty Bell, Philadelphia; and the General Motors Plant, Linden, New Jersey. I took my favorites to High Point State Park in New Jersey. We would have romantic sunset picnics with clam dip with Ruffles potato chips washed down warm “Yoo-Hoo.” Memorable!
Slowly, but surely, I chipped away at No Phew’s profits and capital. When the casinos opened in Atlantic City, that was the end. I’d fill a plastic grocery bag with hundred-dollar bills, jump in my Cadillac, and head south singing “Viva Las Vegas” and “Beautiful Loser.” I never won anything, but wow, did they take care of me: free drinks and food, valet parking, VIP Lounge, 100s of complimentary key rings to give to my friends. I played the wheel of fortune for $500 per spin. I’d lose an average of $5,000 per night. I loved the attention. I even had free caviar one time!
But now, my shenanigans have landed you all in the unemployment line. With your experience making deodorizing shoe inserts, you should have no trouble finding a new job. As a token of appreciation for all you’ve done, everybody gets a free key ring! Line up to get your key rings!
His employees surged forward, pushing him out the open window behind him. The fall broke his neck. No charges were filed and the factory burned to the ground two days later.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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