Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.
“Good things come to those who wait.” I thought it was true. I first ran across this proverb when I was fifteen. It seemed authoritative. It seemed true. It seemed like the easiest way possible to get what I wanted. I tried it with the school bus. All I had to do was wait and it would come. It was a good thing to get a ride to school. It confirmed for me that waiting had a sort of magical power, and the longer I waited, the bigger the prize. Before I had a chance to think of something worth waiting a really long time for, I had numerous lesser experience. For example, waiting for my mother to make me breakfast every day—scrambled eggs and toast show up at my place at the table shortly after I sat down—two scrambled eggs and two pieces of toast, topped by orange juice—4 good things! I was always glad I waited. Then, one time I was standing in line to get into a Kraftwerk concert. It was a huge line and I was around the middle. I had been waiting around two hours, when suddenly, the line surged forward and I was pushed from behind. I stumbled over crack in the sidewalk and grabbed the person in front of me to keep from falling on my face. She spun around and yelled “What the fu*k d you think you’re doing pervert!” I explained what happened and she understood. We sat together at the concert. In this case, I got two good things from waiting—a great concert and my future wife Melanie—Yes! My future wife! I was on a roll!
As I got older, waiting started to lose its reliability as a passage to good things. I first realized this when I started to get a receding hairline. I knew when the waiting was over, it wasn’t going to be such a good thing. In fact, I never went totally bald. Instead I have a pathway of naked flesh going down the middle of my head with a clump of hair on either side.—sort of like Bozo the Clown.
Then there’s my father. He had several heart attacks and I was waiting for him to die. He was very wealthy and I wanted to get a piece of his wealth when he died. I waited for that good thing for five years. I took him shopping, I cooked his meals, paid his bills, all the time waiting for him to die. Finally, he died. At the reading of the will I was referred to as a “smarmy con.” He left me his ride mower. He left my sister $4,00,000. I’m contesting the will, but my attorney says I don’t have a chance. At best, I may be able to get my sister to give me $1,000,000.
I’ve been waiting one year to hear from my sister, re. my proposal. I’m currently looking for a new proverb to guide my life. I’m tending toward “Fortune favors the bold.” I’m thinking of kidnapping my sister’s cat Ramses. He never goes outside, though. I’m thinking of visiting my sister and bringing a gym bag. I’ll coax Ramses up on my lap and when my sister goes to the kitchen, I’ll stuff Ramses in the bag, yell “goodbye,” and run out the front door, leaving the door open. My sister, seeing front door open, will think that Ramses escaped through the door, never suspecting me.
I did it the next day.
When I got home (I took a bus) after kidnapping the cat, my sister was waiting for me. She grabbed the gym bag and pulled out Ramses. she gave me $500 and told me to leave her alone or she would have me arrested. I yelled “Fortune favors the bold!” I jumped in her Mercedes and took off, leaving my home and family behind. I got as far as Delaware Water Gap and was nailed by the NJ State Police. The first thing they asked me was “Ok, Buddy, where’s the cat?” Now I knew I was screwed.
I had played with fire, now I was getting burned.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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