Tasis

Tasis (ta’-sis): Sustaining the pronunciation of a word or phrase because of its pleasant sound. A figure apparent in delivery.

Woooow! I was swimming in a tub of warm maple syrup with four other naked IRS Agents. It was the bribe of the century, eclipsing the famous Stairway to Heaven by a million miles. After our bath, We were going to be dipped in pancake batter and eat each other. Just then, i woke up at the wheel of my US government Ford as I scraped a bridge abutment and made sparks fly.

It was all a dream. What a good dream, even though it ended with us eating each other! I had been on the road for three weeks chasing this high school dropout kid who wasn’t paying sales tax on the collection of bottle caps he was individually selling as earrings on Etsy. We suspected they were stolen. The famous “Karma Cap Collection” had been stolen. It contained over 1,000,000 pieces that could not be tracked down—finders keepers, losers weepers. We knew the earrings were from a collection like the Karma Cap Collection and its breadth of coverage. For example there were earrings made from Abe Lincoln Lindenberry Lush, Ben Franklin’s Frothy Flip, Jeff Davis Fizzy Rum-Rebel Soda, Paul Revere’s Midnight Rye, Ike’s Spiked Lemonade.

These brands represent a unique set of brands from hundreds of years ago. Unfortunately we discovered that micro breweries and distilleries have co-opted these antique brand names. Just the other day I saw a six pack of Susan B. Anthony Ale at Cliff’s. So really, there’s no way to sort out the bottle cap mess, but we can still nail this guy for not paying sales tax. We can tell by checking Etsy’s records that this guy has sold $65.00 worth of earrings. Since the sales money was wired to the seller, it would be easy to track him down, impounded his worldly goods and ruin his life.

As I pulled up to his house with my Tax Collection Hit Team, the car in the driveway looked familiar. It looked like the car my son was driving when he stopped by to tell me he was disowning me. It was nearly fatally embarrassing for him when people found out I work for the IRS. He couldn’t make friends and people called him “bastard” all the time.

The door opened. It was my sone holding a baby. My colleagues “went in.”

One of my colleagues came out fairly quickly carrying a pillowcase full of bottle caps. I thought, “This is kind of awkward.” I said to my colleagues, “This guy looks kind hearted—look at that baby. We’re going to leave him a bill and give him one-year to pay. The bill is $9.00.” My son said “Thanks Dad,” and there was a noticeable gasp from my colleagues. They started coming toward me chanting the IRS chant: Everybody Pays, No Exceptions.” I jumped in my IRS Ford and took off like a bat out of hell. I pulled into a mall parking lot, found a Cadillac with the keys in it, and took off again. I crossed into Mexico and drove to Mexico City. Then, I caught a bus to Quito, Ecuador. No extradition. I met my son and his wife and baby there. We started a deep sea fishing business. We now have a fleet of 5 boats and business is flourishing. We don’t pay any taxes because the. government believes we attract a lot of business to Ecuador.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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