Affirmatio (af’-fir-ma’-ti-o): A general figure of emphasis that describes when one states something as though it had been in dispute or in answer to a question, though it has not been.
Me: What do you mean “The Earth is round?” Why even bother to say it? What’re you a letter-day Columbus? Are we going to go sailing “around” the world?
You: I said it to call out your recalcitrant stupidity. There are so many ideas you insist on holding that are bogus, and that you use to guide your life into disaster. For example, when you told Barbara that it is a proven fact that men are better than women, you got what you deserved. The metal mixing bowl probably put a dent in your head, but it did not change your mind. Barbara’s gone, and she’ll never come back.
How do things become scientifically proven facts that are totally bogus—at best they’re urban legends, at worst, tokens of your insanity. I’m at the edge of unfriending you.
Me: Who’s the know-it-all? If you could hear yourself you’d be embarrassed. I state things as scientifically proven facts to help them struggle with their uncertainty, maybe achieving closure on something that has been vexing them all of their life. After she assaulted me, Barbara regretted what she had done and realized something important. I don’t know what it was, but it warranted her hitting me on the head. Let me just say, it was in the nineteenth century that men’s superiority to women was scientifically proven. So there! Know it all. There are a lot of facts people stopped believing, like the vapors and hysteria. It was political pressure from rich do-gooders that tipped over the apple cart and sent the apples flying. You don’t have to talk to me about the earth being round! I am a proponent of common sense just like you. You know you shouldn’t swim after eating. This will save your life, and probably has saved your life.
You: The eating/swimming thing has been proven wrong.
Me: By who? Burger King? When your body’s cramped up and you’re going down for the third time, you’ll regret your naïveté as you suck in water and die. Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting the required 30 minutes, and then, enjoying my swim.
You: How did you live this long with a head full of misinformation?
Me: It is a scientifically proven fact I read in “Believe it All Magazine” that eventually everything is disproven—that’s how science progresses. So, the earth isn’t really round. It has been proven to be pear-shaped. After that, what’s next? If I get a fever, put a leech in my armpit. You can get them on the internet and they are approved for human use. They’ve available on Robert Kennedy Jr’s website. His children raise them.
You: Ok, that does it. Bye.
Me: Ok, if you want to talk about being descendants of Chimpanzees, just give me call. We can share a banana.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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