Amphibologia (am’-fi-bo-lo’-gi-a): Ambiguity of grammatical structure, often occasioned by mispunctuation. [A vice of ambiguity.]
My cat was on the front page of the newspaper again. He sat there like he belonged there, like he saved somebody’s life, or drove a car, or something special. The newspaper was the “Daily Glockenspiel,” founded in the late 19th century, catering to German immigrants.
The “Glockenspiel” staff weathered torture, fires, shootings and worse during WW1 and WW2 due to their unwavering support of Germany. They were lucky. They survived both wars by shedding their Germanic mage after the wars. For example, their tagline was changed from “Gott mit uns” to “We are the apple pie newspaper.” They stopped reporting on events taking place in Germany and focused on human interest stories from the so-called “Heartland.” For example: “Cow adopts family of wolves,” or “Bear rides bicycle across Kansas,” or “Family of five dances in back of dump truck.” As you can see, they documented some pretty weird stuff.
In the past five years with the resurgence in conservatism in US politics, “The Daily Glockenspiel” has inched away from human interest toward its old commitments. The worst example was a story about “Madhoff Hiltner” living in North Carolina writing a book titled “My Camp” about his summer place on the Nag’s Head beach. It talked about his benevolence and opposition to teaching history. He was generous and paid for everything with shavings from gold bars. His wife Eva spends her time bad-mouthing Democrats, doing acrobatics wearing jack boots, feeding her famous diuretic strudel to homeless families, and selling t-shirts with a silk-screened image of Elon Musk titled “Ubermensch.” She is loved by her conservative neighbors, but there are many others who see her as a crypto-Nazi.
As a consequence of significant controversy over its mission, the “Daily Glockenspiel” will be reverting to human interest stories after the November elections. I have been given a glimpse of what’s to come: “Democrat survives severe beating after being rolled into the gutter unconscious.” I asked the Editor how he could know this before it happened. He told me “It is in the stars.”
If things go the wrong way after November, I am moving to the UK. I will live in London, the new capital of the free world. My cat will come with me. After a brief quarantine, we will be reunited.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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