Anacoenosis (an’-a-ko-en-os’-is): Asking the opinion or judgment of the judges or audience, usually implying their common interest with the speaker in the matter [and illustrating their communally-held ideals of truth, justice, goodness and beauty, for better and for worse].
How many of you have ever gone barefoot in a fresh-mown field? That’s what I thought, only one of you and you’re in a wheelchair. Come on up here! Come on up here and meet the Lord. Ah yes, here you are. What’s your name. Mary? Oh that’s nice. Have you ever met Joseph? Ha ha. Just kidding.
So, how did you end up in the wheelchair, Mary? “I ran barefoot in a fresh-mown field. When I took off my shoes I sinned. I could feel Satan tickling the bottoms of my feet, and it felt good. So good, that I stripped off all my clothes and ran around with five or six other people crying out and reveling in the pleasures of the flesh. I closed my eyes and rolled down a hill and onto the Interstate. I opened my eyes and Satan’s red station wagon ran over me. I could hear him laughing as he drove away and I saw his station wagon was filled with naked women laughing and crawling all over him like human snakes. Before he was out of earshot he yelled: ‘See you in hell baby.’ An ambulance came and picked me up. I was examined and they told me I would never walk again. I threw my bedpan at the doctor and called him a dirty, stinking liar. He laughed and said ‘See you in hell. This one’s for you baby!’ He farted. It made a horrible squeaking sound and went on for at least ten seconds. When he finished, he ran out the door. I crawled after him, but I couldn’t catch him. Now, my room smelled like sulphur, and I cried and cried.”
Wow! That’s an amazing story. You know my specialty is healing. I’ve got ten buckets that we’re going pass around and fill with cash.. What do you think audience? Sound good?
Once we’ve collected $100,000 I’m going to go to work on your legs Mary. I’ve cured thousands of people: alcoholics, people with bad hearts, blasphemers, belchers, athlete’s foot, basketball-sized testicles, biters, bad breath, attorneys, and so much more. Just last week I cured a man who thought he was an oven mitt. Oh look: the tote board says $100,000. Praise the Almighty. Mary, roll over here.
He got down on his knees and stuck his head between Mary’s lifeless legs. She started squirming, and writhing, making eerie moaning sounds, and speaking in tongues. He pulled his head away and she stood up shaking and yelled “Oh my God!” She was healed! The crowd started dancing and yelling hallelujah.
POSTSCRIPT
The Rev. Healer and Mary were able to pull off the wheelchair scam a couple of times before they were accused of fraud. They were caught when they were witnessed performing the wheelchair scam more than once, almost verbatim. If they had expanded their repertoire to arthritis, and possibly, obesity, they would’ve lasted longer and still might be scamming today.
However, it is rumored that Healer has changed his name to Steroid and is back on the road again. It is also rumored that Mary has changed her name to Delilah and the team is specializing in hair loss restoration scams. The “restoration” takes one month, so the two of them are long gone when their victim realizes the remedy is fake. Beware! Their product is called “Hair Born.” It is a blue cream and comes in a yellow jar with a black lid. Their mascot is “Phil and Felicia Follicle,” two hairs with beaming smiles.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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