Anthypophora (an’-thi-po’-phor-a): A figure of reasoning in which one asks and then immediately answers one’s own questions (or raises and then settles imaginary objections). Reasoning aloud. Anthypophora sometimes takes the form of asking the audience or one’s adversary what can be said on a matter, and thus can involve both anacoenosis and apostrophe.
Am I going to die? No! I take “Spinning Melon” organic extract everyday. The “This Product Contains” label on the bottle says “censored,” which makes it illegal to sell. Although I pay money for it, it is not technically buying, according to the manufacturers. They call it donating to their LLC “Fountain of Yule.”
I had a friend who took “Spinning Melon” every day. He said he was 96, but he looked like a teenager. He said he hung out with Perry Como back in the day. He had an affair with Cuomo’s wife and the local Mafia was hired to hit him. He stopped taking “Spinning Melon” for a week and he turned so old the hitters couldn’t recognize him. He got out of New York and escaped death. He moved to Las Vegas, started taking “Spinning Melon” again and went to work for Wayne Newton. He wrote “Danke Schone” and talked Newton into singing it. It was a hit and Newton was so grateful he paid my friend $5,000 every time he sang it.
So, of course, I started taking “Spinning Melon.” I was 60 and I looked 29. It was amazing until I found out it was made of babies who had died in their cribs and whose corpses were stolen from morgues and sold to Fountain of Yule. It was too gruesome to be true! I had to investigate. I got a job driving a delivery truck for Fountain of Yule. When I interviewed for the job I had to sit behind a screen. I couldn’t see my interviewer, but I could smell him. He smelled like decaying flesh.
I went around to morgues picking up baby-sized body bags. I was sick. My heart was breaking. I had to look in one of the baby bags. I pulled over, climbed in the back of the truck, and unzipped a bag. It contained a watermelon. Yes, a watermelon! I asked my boss, what the hell was going on. From behind the screen, he told me that watermelon juice was the key ingredient in “Spinning Melon.” But, it was special watermelon grown on Incan garden plots located deep in the jungles of Peru. The export of the watermelons is prohibited, so we disguise them as dead babies packed in body bags. The watermelon juice has regenerative properties. What a relation!
So, I asked my boss why he smelled so bad. He told me he had become addicted to fermented shark while traveling in Iceland. It stinks so bad it is served in sealed jars and eaten as quickly as possible.
I’m still working for Fountain of Yule. I’m as young as ever. I’m in charge of watermelon quality control. I have a girlfriend and have developed a taste for fermented shark. Me and Boss share a fermented shark sandwich every once-in-awhile. I like mine on a hamburger bun with tartar sauce.and iceberg lettuce.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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