Antimetathesis (an-ti-me-ta’-the-sis): Inversion of the members of an antithesis.
Thinking makes dizzy. The vertigo makes me nauseous. I think, therefore I barf. Mine is a rare disease: “Wayne Fontana’s Syndrome.” Named after the unpopular 60s rock band “Wayne Fontana and the Mind Benders.” It is not a neurosis or some kind of psychosis. It is purely physical, has a genetic base, and is borne primarily by people of Viking ancestry. It can be managed by taking daily doses of cod liver oil and a half-pound of Minke meat skewered on a fresh-cut branch from a fir tree.
When I was a child, before I had been diagnosed, when they would ask me a simple question, I would fall down and throw up—down and up—it was uncontrollable. I made a mess of my classroom. I was expelled with honors because I usually cleaned up after myself.
We turned to grandpa Olafson Copenhagen for answers. I held my vomit bag under my chin as my mother strapped me into my special vertigo chair. I called it my “Dizzy Chair.”
Grandpa Olaf began: “Millions of years ago a spaceship landed in Denmark carrying colonists from another planet. Oh, ha ha, I am full of shit. Actually, your anscestors came by boat from some unknown place. Along the way they caught a weird fish with antlers that glowed “like the embers of a cooking fire.” They ate it. They all went crazy fighting with each other and jumping overboard. In the end, only your great, great, great, grandfather Ronson was left. He was thirsty when he awakened. He kept falling down and dry heaving as searched for something to drink. He found a jug of cod liver oil and drank it—he was cured! He drank two shots of cod liver oil every day for the rest of his life. Samson, you have inherited the disease. Follow your ancestor’s cod liver oil regime, and throw in a couple of pounds of Minke and you’ll never kiss the floor or think-puke ever again.”
I thanked grandpa and crawled to the bathroom for a slug of cod liver oil. Immediately, I felt better. I headed to the fiish market for some Minke. The proprietor told be Minke fishing would be banned as of July. So, I entered into the fishing business and became a Minke poacher. I take one Minke per year. Accordingly, along with cod liver oil, I am able to manage my “Wayne Fontana’s Syndrome.” Someday, they will find a true cure, and I will no longer have to live like a criminal. Besides, I’m sick of eating Minke and drinking cod liver oil. I long for a plate of fermented shark soaked in olive oil
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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