Apoplanesis (a-po-plan’-e-sis): Promising to address the issue but effectively dodging it through a digression.
I now you are all interested in the fate of The Modern Bungee Company. We’ve been boinging people up and down for the past forty years. And we mustn’t forget the hundreds of young men and women who jumped off bridges and soiled themselves.
I will address the reasons behind Big Bungee’s pending demise and the liquidation of its inventory.
The liquidation goes like auctions where everything you strived and sacrificed for is strewn across a warehouse floor and listed in a catalogue with its opening bid.
I saw the letter opener my father gave me. Opening bid $1.00. I never used it, but I would have if there had been any envelopes to open. I used email and text messages. I put the letter opener in my desk and that’s where it stayed. Until now.
I saw my computer. It had a sign on it that said “Adults Only.” I’m not surprised. I used my computer primarily to view and download porn. I find porn inspiring and I think it makes me a better person. The actors are carefree and in search of pleasure. Although we’re not all carefree, we all search for pleasure. What’s wrong with that? To be sure, I wasted a lot of time as CEO watching porn, but the opening bid is higher on my computer than any of the company’s computers.
Then, there’s the fake award I kept hanging on the wall behind my desk. That goes hand in hand with the photoshopped photo of me shaking hands with Joe Biden. The award was a 2×2 foot plaque mounted on walnut. It was for “Being the Most Impactful Steward of a Gold-Plated Business Venture.” In the award’s narrative I was cited for greatness in the line of duty. It was a real honor, too bad it was fake. I had an employee who suspected the veracity of the award. Sadly, he was found in a vat of molten rubber. Too bad.
The picture with Biden is for keeping up with my brother. He has a picture of himself shaking hands with Trump. We both know it’s fake, but it’s fun to play these games, and pretend we care about each other. We hate each other. I fantasize about killing him with a jackhammer.
Well, it’s time to go home. Drive carefully. Oh. There are some cookies left over. You may grab one or two on your way out. Chocolate chip is my favorite.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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