Effictio

Effictio (ef-fik’-ti-o): A verbal depiction of someone’s body, often from head to toe.

He was the tallest man in the world. His name was Ted. He worked in the Blim Brothers Sideshow. When he stood up he was nearly nine feet tall. For one dollar, he would put a ring on his massive finger and let you pull it off. The ring was made of lead with “Tallest Man in the World,” and the year, engraved on it. Ted’s head was like a large watermelon with dark brown hair on top. He had brown eyes and beautiful teeth—when he smiled they looked like the mother of Pearl handle of my straight razor! Of course, he had massive shoulders. There were no off-the-rack clothes that could fit him. His mother still acted as his tailor, making him quite fashionable looking clothes. She even made him a “skinny suit” to wear to his sister’s wedding. His shoes were custom made too. He preferred suede swashbucklers—size 18. They cost over $400.00 a pair. So, Ted only wore them to work. Otherwise, he wore flip-flops made out of all-weather tires. “Just in case” he had a pair made out of snow tires.

Ted has trouble walking. It’s a consequence of his height. He has a custom made walker that is 18k gold plated and encrusted with Swarovski Crystals. It is quite beautiful—the way it flashes in the light.

My name is “Botch.” It’s a nickname from frequently screwing up. I’m used to it and it doesn’t hurt my feelings any more. I work as a handyman for Blim Brothers. That means that just about anything that needs repairing or adjusting comes my way: from a trapeze to a tent. I’m also pretty good with a shovel. My wife is a seamstress, repairing and making costumes. Our daughter, Lux, is 19 and runs the box office and handles the accounting—she has a degree in accounting from “Column B.” It is an online school. It is unaccredited, but it was cheap.

Lux is in love with Ted, but she does not know what to do. She said: “He’s so big. It would be like dating a tree.” I told her to just go ahead—to talk, to get to know him and then worry about dating. So, they met and they talked.

Lux wasn’t happy about their meeting. Ted had insisted she sit on his lap like a dummy. Ted put his hand up the back of her sweater and told her to speak whenever he scratched her back. He asked if she liked him and scratched her back. After how he was acting, she sad “No” and Ted pushed her onto the floor. “That’s assault!” she yelled. Ted stood up used his walker to quickly leave the room.

We couldn’t bring charges against Ted or we’d all lose our jobs. We sucked it up and went on with our lives. Then, 1 year later, Lux became pregnant and she told us Ted was the faher. When she told me, I got this image in my head that I can’t erase. I am ashamed of myself, but I can’t do anything to get rid of it. Lux had a Ted-sized baby. She was in labor for three days.

Lux and Ted got married and they are quite happy. The dummy incident is long-forgotten.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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