Epistrophe (e-pis’-tro-fee): Ending a series of lines, phrases, clauses, or sentences with the same word or words.
We came here to conquer. Some drove here to conquer. Some walked here to conquer. Some crawled here to conquer. Hemorrhoids! The vicious scourge plaguing butts withe endless itching, being medicated with sloppy ointment offering only temporary relief. And in the worst case, their surgical removal, often not covered by insurance.
What exactly are we going to conquer? We have developed a technique for unobtrusively scratching your itch while sitting down. Ms. Mill will demonstrate. Ms. Mill please sit up front here. Class, observe carefully. Ms. Mill slowly and almost imperceptibly, rocked her butt back and forth three times, and then, rotated it clockwise and then counterclockwise three times.
The look of joy and relief on her face deeply moved me. She told us that in order for it to work, “your “itchy place” had to be pre-slathered with cortisone which is refreshed by the rocking and rotating and reduces the itching. Right now, I can hardly feel any itching at all.”
I went home a drew up a printable leaflet giving step-by-step instructions on how to do the “Rock ‘n Rotate.” I hosted a hemorrhoid dating site and support group on the web. I had three subscribers, but I didn’t care. I had started posting graphic images of hemorrhoids and was confident they would draw more sufferers in. They weren’t intended to be erotic, rather they were informational. The site’s name was “Itchin’ for Love.”
The videos and selfies started pouring in. I started charging $100 to join the site. I was making more money than I ever dreamed of. Then “Humper” magazine did a spread on my site. As the premier porno industry publication, it caught everybody’s eye. My site was flooded and it crashed. There were far more people afflicted with hemorrhoids than I had realized. So, I purchased more bandwidth and continued my quest. Luckily, nobody knew where I was physically located.
To my shock, hemorrhoids have become a cultural phenomenon. College students have scratching parties in their dorms, people include mention of their hemorrhoids in their marriage vows, there are dances based on the “Rock & Rotate” moves. It is sort of like the hunchback craze that followed the publication of Victor Hugo’s “Hunchback of Notre Dame,” I don’t know whether what I’ve orchestrated is a good thing. When I have my doubts, I remember the look of relief and joy on Ms. Mill’s face when she finished doing the “Rock ‘n Rotate.” I dream about it.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 