Oxymoron

Oxymoron (ox-y-mo’-ron): Placing two ordinarily opposing terms adjacent to one another. A compressed paradox.

He was wildly calm. He was openly closed. He covered for evil—he was like a blanket from hell—or more like a quilt with cryptic designs—toilet seats, bacon, weeds and scotch whiskey bottles with Johnny Walker on their label dressed as a priest giving a sermon. What would it be about? Most likely, the benefits of drunkenness for family, friends, and work.

But anyway, “he” was off the rails. He did every bad thing you can imagine. For example, he stole a whole carton of Sticky Notes from Staples. He stuck one on each stop sign in the city. Each note said “scratching your crotch.” He was playing on painting “war” on stop signs like they did in the 60s: “Stop War.” His message was “Stop scratching your crotch.” The campaign was completely ineffective. One rainstorm and the sticky note washed away. Not only that, “stop scratching your crotch” was a message of irrelevant interest to most people. First, most peoples’ crotches did not itch, hence they didn’t scratch them. Second, if they did scratch their crotch, it was so rare that it did not make a difference. Third: there were people who chronically scratched, but with proper medication, the itching would abate and didn’t need scratching after one or two days.

This is just one of hundreds of examples. He was so far off the rails that the train was headed to Topeka sideways. This went on for years, he was bad and he failed, failed, failed. I’ll never know how he evaded jail, but he did. Then, it happened,

THE INVENTION

There is no accounting for it. I always believed he was willing to kill somebody for their idea. I gave up trying to figure out where the ideas came from. Bottom line: they all failed. In my view, the invention was so stupid and unnecessary, that it should’ve been rejected by any responsible manufacturer, and it was, until he brought the idea to Japan—the land of quirky crazy shit. “Shaper Image Ltd.” took it on. The product was a hand-held electric tuna salad maker. The condiments were stored in the handle. It was called “Tuna Wand” giving it a magical quality. The Tuna Wand opened the can of tuna fish, lifted the tuna from the can and started mixing it when the operator squeezed the handle. When they hit the market in Japan, they sold out immediately, becoming a fad— a secondary market emerged: Tuna Wand holsters, so people could display their tuna wands on their hips, and also, to free up their hands in the kitchen. He made millions from his invention.

Why am I telling you this story? Because, I am him. That’s right. I am trying to inspire you with my story of persistence, hope, and vulnerability, and make sure you know that I did not murder the guy they found dead that had some papers in his hand that looked a lot like plans for the Tuna Wand. I’ve been bad, but not that bad. Sure, I’ve confessed to stealing Sticky Notes from Staples. But the statute of limitations has passed. Thank-you for your support.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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