Prodiorthosis (pro-di-or-tho’-sis): A statement intended to prepare one’s audience for something shocking or offensive. An extreme example of protherapeia.
Ok kids. You’re probably wondering why we’re sitting here in the living room. You’re probably wondering where mama is. Only yesterday, she would be sitting there next to you. But today, she can’t be here.
Life is filled with uncertainties. It is a blessing and a curse—exciting and terrifying. No matter how much you hope, tomorrow can’t be known. We could never imagine that mama wouldn’t be here today. She has gone away with your Uncle Bill, my brother who has caused me relationship problems all my life. He stole 7 girlfriends from me in high school and college. It was like his hobby. After he broke up with each one, he’d offer a heartfelt apology and I would forgive him. I was a sucker—a big sucker.
But now, Uncle Bill has stolen your mother. Where did I go wrong? How did I fail? I always told her how nice and clean the kitchen was, and how clean she got the mag rims when she washed the car, and how great the lawn looked when she mowed it with the ride mower. We’d go out on our anniversary every year, the only time we needed to go out so she didn’t become distracted from her duties. And you know, we went on a one-week vacation every year, staying with your grandpa and grandma in their un-air conditioned bungalow in Flynt, Michigan. They treated us to bottled water every day! Mmmmm.
Mama took all of her belongings. If I know Bill, he will sell them and keep the money for himself. Not having a vacuum cleaner and microwave is a real setback, but we can use a broom for the vacuum cleaner, but I don’t know what to do about the microwave. She left the toaster oven. Maybe that will work as a replacement. So, as soon as Bill maxes out Mama’s credit card, he’ll drop her off on the front porch.
Hey did you hear that.? “Yes dad! It sounded like a bag of cement!” He opened the door and there was a bag of cement on the porch. It had a sticky note on it. It said, “Ha ha! Fooled you. We are headed to Florida to live happily ever after. Don’t try to find us. Just let your wife be happy for once in her life.” Little Bill, ironically named after his uncle, asked “Gee Dad, whatever are we going to do?” I told him that we were going to Florida to hunt them down, capture Mama and come back home. I would hire a PI to assist me. The children were unanimously in favor of my plan. Edward wanted to bring his BB gun so he could shoot Bill’s eye out. Because of airline restrictions we couldn’t do that. Edward was disappointed, but decided to throw “big rocks” at him instead.
We looked like a normal family walking through the airport—Little Bill was clutching his teddy bear and the twins were pulling their Disney-themed carry-on bags. When we got to the gate, the TSA officer asked me: “So what’s the purpose of your trip to Florida?” Little Bill heard him, and before I could say anything, he said ‘We’re going to capture my Mama and bring her back home. She ran away with my Uncle Bill.”
The TSA officer flinched and grabbed his radio. We weren’t going to make it to Florida. In fact, we weren’t going to make it to anywhere.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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