Proverb: One of several terms describing short, pithy sayings. Others include adage, apothegm, gnome, maxim, paroemia, and sententia.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover.” If I had taken this advice, I probably would’ve married “Plain Patty.” She had a huge vocabulary, knew the meaning of every word, could do algebra, cook, and do laundry. Not only that, she loved me and actually proposed marriage to me. Of course, I turned her down and went for Helen Hotte. She was all cover, no book. She made me drool. She was blonde. She was beautiful. She could’ve been a model. She could dance. The way she said “oh Willy” made my hair stand on end. She wanted things and I gave her as much as I could—mostly clothing and jewelry. And of course, we’d go out to eat at the best restaurants, ordering the most expensive things on the menu. I was up to my neck with a loan shark and was expecting to be knee-capped soon.
Then, I got drafted. The Vietnam War was going full tilt. My loan shark was patriotic and let me off the hook. It was the second most wonderful thing that ever happened in my life. Number one was marrying Helen.
I finished my Army training and shipped out to Vietnam. I thought I was going to die. But instead, I was assigned to a special operations detachment in Saigon. Our job was to “Magnify the American presence” by walking around Saigon, going to the best restaurants, steam baths, and bars, all the time wearing hand-tailored suits from Hong Kong. In fact, my first assignment was to go to Hong Kong and have several silk suits made. The closest I ever came to being killed was when my driver had a leg spasm and crashed our limo into a garbage can.
I got one letter from Helen the whole time I was in Vietnam. In it, she told me she made a new friend named Ed who was “way richer” than me. Then, about 2 weeks before I was due to return to the States, I got a letter telling she had a “little” surprise and that she couldn’t meet me at the airport, and that she has a new address. I was to meet her there.
I pulled up in a cab in front of a mansion in Madison, NJ. I double-checked the address with the driver. He assured me that this was the right place. I told the driver to blow the horn. She came out on the porch holding a baby.There was a lummox standing next to her who looked like a weight lifter soaked in steroids. He had a patch over one eye. I ran up to the porch and grabbed the baby. “Floor it!” I yelled at the cabby. We took off for Jersey City and landed at Plain Patty’s. I pounded on the door yelling “Patty, Patty, Patty! Help me I’ve done something terrible.” Patty came to the door, held out her arms, and took the baby. She said, “I’m sorry Willy, but this isn’t a real baby—it’s a ‘CAREX Lifelike Newborn Baby Doll’ made of rubber. You’ve been tricked!”
I didn’t know what Helen’s game was, and I didn’t care. I loved Patty—she was a book I could read forever. I divorced Helen and married Patty. When we get bored we play catch with the rubber baby and laugh.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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