Aphorismus

Aphorismus ( a-phor-is’-mus): Calling into question the proper use of a word.

I couldn’t take it any more. My boss had sad it again: “I am reticent to promote you. I don’t know how we would utilize you as an Assistant Vice President.” I don’t know what he’s going to do when I correct him on his use of “reticent.” He uses it instead of hesitant. and yes, there’s also using “utilize” instead of plain “use,” but I”ll let that pass for now.

I began by leaving a dictionary on his desk open to “reticent” circled in red. He called me into his office, held up the dictionary and asked “What the hell is this?” I have spellcheck on my computer, I don’t need this. Even though somebody marked it up, go ahead and donate it to the Salvation Army. Now, get out of my office!”

Clearly, Plan A didn’t work. Plan B probably wouldn’t work either. I copied the definition of reticent from the dictionary. I blew it up to poster size and printed it on the office’s double-wide printer. I taped one inside the elevator, on the wall over the men’s room urinal, and on the wall over the office coffee cart. This, I was sure, would get the boss’s attention without putting me at risk.

The boss called me into his office. I knocked and he called me in. He was holding one of my posters: “I’m sure you’re behind this, sneaking around like the coward you are.” I told him it was embarrassing to work for somebody who used “reticent” like he did. Sometimes it made me feel like I wanted to stick my head in my briefcase like an ostrich. Language is the pillar of civilization. Misusing it can lead to civilization’s downfall. Even if it’s a single word, it is a slippery slope, steeply headed toward anarchy and social chaos.

My boss looked at me like he wanted vomit. But instead, he picked up his stapler and threw it at me. It hit me on the head and I fell to the floor bleeding from a cut on my forehead. He was waving the poster over me like a blanket. I sat up a dug my attorney’s card out of my wallet and gave it to the boss as I stood up. He looked at it and said, “What about that promotion? Still interested?”

I told him “Yes,” but I was reticent to make decisions on such short notice. He rolled up my poster and hit me over the head with it and we both laughed.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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