Apophasis (a-pof’-a-sis): The rejection of several reasons why a thing should or should not be done and affirming a single one, considered most valid.
It’s that time of year! I’m a professor at Dalmatian University, where I am the DeVille Chair of Puppy Husbandry. I am not sure what “husbandry” means. The best I can do is use my relationship with my wife as a foundation for my concept of puppy husbandry, and there’s really not much going on there—not exactly neglect, but very close. For example, I am not taking my wife with me on vacation. .
Being a Professor, I get the whole summer off. I have been planning my vacation for two weeks. I am having a tough time deciding where to go. I’ve done some research in connection with my vacation. He’s my reasoning about my top three destinations:
1. Whiner’s Puppy Mill. It is the biggest puppy mill in the US. All breeds, all day and all night. They have the highest per capita mortality rate in the US. Everything about the place is sub-standard. They should be shut down., but, they provide me with a healthy grant every year to support my research “and other things.” I think the yipping of hundreds of puppies day and night would drive me crazy, so I’m staying away. I get enough of that irritating craziness during the academic year.
2. Dog Walkers. Exercising dogs keeps them from chewing on furniture or other mischief due to being locked inside. Some people can walk five dogs at once, and there is a championship every year in Saratoga, NY, where they yield the race track to the dog walking championship—The Golden Paws—for two days. Dogs are added to each competitor’s clutch after they go around the track. 1 dog is added after each circuit. When a competitor’s dogs get tangled up or otherwise thwart their handler’s attempts to control them, their handler is eliminated. Last year’s winner finished with 44 dogs of various breeds. Some people say he is part dog, and that’s cheating. As much as this seems interesting, I’m not going. My bum hip won’t let me walk very far, so I wouldn’t have the kind of hands-on experience my research demands. There’s only so far you can get with observation without participation. So it’s nix to dg walking.
3. Mocking Bird Acres. This estate is nearly the size of Rhode Island. It has beach front, mountains, a lake, and a river. Golf carts are available for people like me with a hip problem. There are also clothing optional sectors along the beach and up in the mountains. The food is all gourmet—beautiful to look at and wonderful to eat. But the most attractive aspect of Mocking Bird Acres is it’s no dogs allowed policy. I can get away from dogs for two whole months. A hiatus from stinking, barking, whining, crapping dogs, not to mention, squirming puppies.
I don’t know why I settled on puppies in graduate school. But now, they make my life miserable. My main line of research has to do with determining why puppies stick out their tongues when they do. As of yet, after five years, I don’t even have a working hypothesis. But, nobody seems to care, so on I go.
And now, on I’ll go to Mocking Bird Acres.
POSTSCRIPT
Due to budgetary issues, Sumer vacations were shortened to 2 weeks. Faculty were assigned to “Summer Service” jobs—mowing grass, painting, sanitizing the dining hall, cleaning restrooms, polishing the bronze statue of the college’s namesake—a 100 foot tall Dalmatian. Everybody griped, but everybody had tenure. Nobody had been denied tenure in the college’s 200-year existence. Nobody wanted to risk dismissal for cause, for disobeying a direct order from a Dean or the President, so they did what they were told to do without a single complaint.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
The Daily Trope is available on Amazon in paperback under the title of The Book of Tropes for $9.95. It is also available in Kindle format for $5.99.
The Daily Trope 