Asphalia (as-fay’-li-a): Offering oneself as a guarantee, usually for another.
I am a professional witness, but not in courts of law. I specialize in backing up people’s lies. I make people believe I’m a close friend of the accused. I have a stock list of characteristics. For example, we grew up together, we went to school together, we served in the Army together. Then there’s the things the accused has done proving their character. Here I use made-up stories about “the time they. . .” Like saving me from drowning, telling the truth even if they suffered, never taking opportunities to cheat.
I back everything up with vivid stories if I have to give evidence. We also make up a story of how we know each other and why their partner has never met me before, or even heard about me. We talk about the falling out we had, that had kept us apart for awhile. I have to make sure that the falling out does not reflect badly on my client—it is a challenge. I usually summon a third person who was to blame, lying to both of us about each other, making us angry at each other. The story that supports the legitimacy of our mutual anger is that it was induced by the third party stealing our TV and then blaming each of us separately for stealing it. We believed them, blaming each other, and ended our friendship. Then the person who had stolen our TV invited us to dinner. There was our Tv sitting in the livingroom. We beat them to a pulp, took our TV back, and became friends again.
My current client is a real challenge. I have to convince his accuser that the sexually explicit videoclip is inconsequential, based on my good character—on what I have to say on their behalf. Pretty much every road was closed to me. So, I went with the “it’s normal” rationale—that it isn’t such a bad thing to cheat, especially if it does not happen too often. Then, I took a turn down “Revenge Road.” I told her that cheating with his best friend (aka me) would anger him and then humble him, while at the same time affording her the opportunity to taste forbidden fruit and get even. Once they got even with each other, they could go back to their relationship on an equal footing. She thought it was a good idea. We slept together. She told him.
I underestimated the depth of his double standard. He went berserk. I’m in the hospital with three broken ribs and a ruptured spleen. The girlfriend has been missing for 2 weeks. The police found traces of her blood in the boyfriend’s apartment along with a recently fired Glock. The boyfriend is being held on suspicion of murder. I’m not being held for anything yet.
I’ve given up my witness business. I’m thinking of becoming a life coach.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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