Charientismus (kar-i-en-tia’-mus): Mollifying harsh words by answering them with a smooth and appeasing mock.
Joe: You’re the laziest person in the universe.
Nick: I’m resting. I don’t need a wake-up call from you Mr. 6:00 am.
These two guys didn’t get along with each other. Their conversations consisted mainly of insults and almost every week they’d end up fighting—wrestling on the kitchen floor. But times were tough and they needed each other to cover the rent. Then, they decided to sublet the hallway closet—it was big enough for a single bed and it had shelves and plenty of room to hang things. All it needed was an extension cord and it was good to go, New York style.
They put an ad on sublet.com. They were renting the closet for $500 per month. Joe and Nick hoped the extra money would get them off the edge, and give them a modicum of financial stability. They got over 200 responses to their ad. They were overwhelmed. They decided to close their eyes and randomly point to an application from the ones scattered on the kitchen island, and see what they got.
They hit the application on the top of the pile: a veterinarian. They thought they couldn’t go wrong subletting to an animal doctor—he probably made good money and wouldn’t stiff them on the rent. So, he moved in. His name was Dr. Doolittle. One night Joe heard rustling around in the kitchen. Dr. Doolittle was drinking a martini a with a large chimpanzee in pajamas.
Dr. Doolittle introduced the chimp—its name was Cheetah III and his great-grandfather had appeared in numerous Tarzan films. Dr. Doolittle had rescued Cheetah from a factory in Thailand where he worked assembling iPhones, seven days a week, with no vacation.
Joe called Nick into the kitchen and they told Dr. Doolittle to get rid of the chimp or move out. Dr. Doolittle finished his martini, put down the glass and said “No.” Cheetah stood in front of the doctor with his fists raised. Dr. Doolittle said, “You know, Cheetah cooks, does laundry and dishes, cleans bathrooms, and vacuums.” Joe and Nick looked at each other and nodded their heads.
Dr. Doolittle taught Joe and Nick how to speak Chimpanese, and Cheetah would tell them chimpanzee folktales while he washed the dinner dishes. Their favorite tale was “Charlie the Hairless Chimp.” It was about a bald chimp that was relentlessly teased by his peers. A female chimp named Rosie took pity on him. Although they had poor hygiene, the local sloths shed a lot of fur in the spring. Rosie made Charlie a sloth fur sweater. It covered most of his nakedness and the teasing stopped. Charlie founded a foundation for bald chimps, collecting sloth fur and knitting sloth fur sweaters for needy chimps. Charlie and Rosie got married and lived happily ever after. Charlie invented a sloth fur sweater shampoo called “Bubble Slow” and made one-million banana bucks, most of which he donated to his foundation.
Joe and Nick were inspired by Cheetah’s stories and stopped wrestling with each other on the kitchen floor. For some reason now, Nick would say “Me Tarzan, who you?” when he was trying meet a woman in a bar. One night he struck gold when a woman replied “I Jane.” They’ve been dating for a month.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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