Hysterologia (his-ter-o-lo’-gi-a): A form of hyperbaton or parenthesis in which one interposes a phrase between a preposition and its object. Also, a synonym for hysteron proteron.
“Under” (wrote the Swiss poet) “where” confusing and shocking literary critics and breaking new poetic ground, along with the “red wheelbarrow,” and “milk wood,” and “my thumb” thus eclipsing Ricola, Heidi, Swiss Miss, and the Swiss Army Knife as foundational to Swiss self-understanding along with safe deposit boxes, wrist watches and tidy smooth-running ski lifts. Nevertheless, despite the emergent markers of Swiss cultural identity, Swiss Cheese maintains its preeminence as Switzerland’s national odor.
Recently, it was discovered that Pinocchio fled to Switzerland when he was accused of elder abuse against Geppetto by shaving off his mustache when he was sleeping and hiding his glasses in a big lump of donkey poop. He is wanted in Italy and Geppetto has disowned him—saying Pinocchio will never be a real boy. Pinocchio assimilated well to life in Switzerland. He works in a Swiss Army Knife factory. Part of his job is to think of new functions for the knife. He is currently working on the hemorrhoid scratcher, tattoo needle, tea warmer, and glow-in-the-dark toothpick. Even though Pinocchio will always be a wooden boy, at 52 he’s still going strong and looks great with his youthful birch bark skin and red dye 40 dyed lips and cheeks. That’s not all—he keeps his joints lubricated with Emu Oil, never a squeak. He’s going a little bald, but that can be remedied with Super Glue and black rabbit fur. He takes medication that keeps his nose from growing.
Pinocchio lives with his wife Marloda who is a Russian nesting doll. Accordingly, Pinocchio has an extended family to take care of. He pops open Marloda on Friday nights and dumps everybody on the floor—removing them one-by-one from each other. Then, lining up and forming a chorus they sing “Edelweiss” and “Smoke on the Water.” Now, it’s bedtime and everybody scrambles back inside Marloda for a good night’s sleep. Pinocchio gives Marloda a kiss and they go to bed.
Meanwhile, in Italy as the years go by Geppetto, almost 90 years old, becomes angrier and angrier at his errant son. His mustache never grew back and people laugh continuously at the fat lip it’s absence revealed. He has been training a small troop of fashion designers from Milan who can cross borders without raising suspicions and “get” Pinocchio. He has equipped each one with a concealable pocket saw to “Cut that bastard down to size.” They each have a quart of gasoline “In case worse comes to worse.” Geppetto has become mad with his obsession. He has started making dangerous toys. The worst is the rocking horse with shards of glass protruding from the saddle. You can imagine what it does to its rider!
Geppetto and his troop of Milanese mercenaries were ready to go. When they got to the Swiss border, Geppetto cracked, pulled out his gasoline bottle, dumped it on his head and set himself afire. The Milanese mercenaries ran back into Italy discarding their pocket saws and bottles of gasoline. The Swiss guards bagged Geppetto up and dragged him back across the Italian border. The Milanese mercenaries left Geppetto in a ditch and continued back to Milan. Pinocchio heard about his father’s demise at the border and wanted to retrieve him for a proper burial. However, if he crossed into Italy he would be arrested on the elder abuse charges that had been leveled by Geppetto years ago.
Pinocchio contacted a local Gnome for help. He knew Swiss Gnomes were beneficial to gardeners. He told the Gnome if he brought his father’s body back over the border, he could use it for fertilizer. The Gnome agreed and, feeling compassion for Pinocchio, dumped the Geppetto fertilizer onto Pinocchio’s garden, greatly improving the garden’s yield of tomatoes and peppers, and winning Pinocchio a gardening prize.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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