Metaplasm (met’-a-plazm): A general term for orthographical figures (changes to the spelling of words). This includes alteration of the letters or syllables in single words, including additions, omissions, inversions, and substitutions. Such changes are considered conscious choices made by the artist or orator for the sake of eloquence or meter, in contrast to the same kinds of changes done accidentally and discussed by grammarians as vices (see barbarism). See: antisthecon, aphaeresis, apocope, epenthesis, paragoge, synaloepha.
I told my mother “I paahked my caaa in owuh naibuh’s yahd,” I thought I was pretty funny imitating my great-great-grandfather’s Maine accent. He had been a sailor all his life. His nickname was “Yardarm” and he had actually served on clipper ships. He was 112 and had been forced to move in with us after the “incidents” at the nursing home. He had been accused of “snacking out of order” and running over peoples’ toes with his wheelchair. The snacking thing was ridiculous. Snack time was 2.00 pm every day. Everybody got one apple, sliced, on a plate. My great-great grandfather would sneak into the kitchen and steal an apple at 1.00 pm, and eat it in front of everybody in the day room before the designated snack time. I asked him about the whole thing and he told me “Those bahstads! Make’em wawkh the plank!”
I thought, what the hell is wrong with eating an apple when you want to? I went to Red Crest to find out. I asked Yardarm’s caregiver, Nurse Cakes, and she said “protocols” and took off her nurse hat, and looked me up and down. She said, “He was the roughest customer I ever had. I wanted to push him down the stairs. But, I didn’t. It’s illegal.” She gave me a flirtatious look. It was temping, but she looked like a human moose, and I had a girlfriend. Also, I thought she was crazy.
I ran to the VP’s office with the nurse walking quickly after me. When I got there, I slammed the door in her face. She pounded on the VP’s door and yelled “Come on! I can take care of you! I won’t hit you with my shoe or push you down the stairs.” More craziness. The VP told me to ignore Nurse Cakes. She helped make a lot of people happy at Red Crest Home—mostly younger staff who appreciate her hands-on approach to their welfare.
I had to leave Red Crest before I went crazy. Nurse Cakes was over the rainbow and I was beginning to believe the VP wasn’t too far behind. Before I left, I asked him about Yardarm’s wheelchair incidents. He told me that without cause, by surprise, and with malice and forethought, my great-great grandfather had rolled over a few people’s toes, chipping their toenail polish, and generally damaging their expensive pedicures, causing waves of sorrow throughout Red Crest. I was really angry, I asked him, “Is that all?” Due to “protocols,” I knew I couldn’t do anything. So, I yelled as I went out the door and headed home: “You crazy ass losers! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” I didn’t have lawyer. I don’t have a lawyer. I’ll never have a lawyer, unless I win the lotto. But, it was still a good thing to yell it. People do it in movies all the time.
When I got home, I saw Yardarm sitting at the kitchen table working on something made of wood. I asked him if he wanted some grog and he said “shoowuh.” I brought the mug to the table and he gulped half of it down. I asked him what he was making. He said “Lobstah buoy.” I asked him if he was going to make it into a lamp. He said “Naw.” That was it. End of conversation.
Great-great grandfather left that night without letting us know. The next day’s headlines told us where great-great grandfather had gone—Red Crest. Nurse Cakes had been seriously injured by an intruder. There was a freshly painted bloody wooden lobster buoy found at the scene where Nurse Cakes had been assaulted. The lobster buoy was brown and yellow, the colors of my home which I had just finished painting. I kept the unused paint stored in the garage. Clearly, the buoy found at Red Crest was the one Yardarm had been working on in my kitchen.
POSTSCRIPT
Great-great grandfather called us that night from Canada. He had dual citizenship from his sailor days. He had checked into a “much niceuh” facility, Maple Grove, using his Canadian passport. “It reminds me of a hotel I stayed in in Baahbahdos when I was in the rum and sugah trade.” Great-great grandfather’s life is a saga. Now, he’s living as a fugitive at Maple Grove, learning the Canadian accent so he can blend in.
By the way, Red Crest went out of business. Soon after the Nurse Cakes incident, the VP was arrested for replacing resident’s jewelry gemstones with Swarovski crystals.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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