Acoloutha: The substitution of reciprocal words; that is, replacing one word with another whose meaning is close enough to the former that the former could, in its turn, be a substitute for the latter. This term is best understood in relationship to its opposite, anacoloutha.
I fell down again. I didn’t exactly plummet, but I fell. I had contracted “Fall-Down Syndrome” on a safari to Tampa, Florida. We had been contracted by the Peace and Freedom Party to observe gun shops to better understand their patrons. Tampa is a prime site. Nearly everybody owns at least one gun. Some own 50 or 60.
I contracted Fall-Down when I was bitten by a Mullet in Tampa Bay. Nobody told me of the danger. The water looked so inviting and I had only been in Tampa for 1 day when I was bitten. I didn’t notice it at the time, but the mullet had grabbed ahold of my armpit. When I started toweling down, I detected it and tore it out from under my armpit. That was my mistake. The residual mullet saliva that was left behind in the small wound in my armpit contains the bacterium muleticus falldownious. It took about a month, but eventually I started falling down. It did not matter where or when, I just went down. I fell into the avocado display at the grocery store. I fell into the reflecting pool outside the bank. I fell down the stairs at home. My home is now fitted with foam rubber floors, so I’m safe there. When I go out, I wear a football helmet, knee pads, and boxing gloves.
A cure to my malady has been discovered and I’ve travelled back to Tampa for a consultation, and a possible dose of the cure. Doctor Mojito’s office had a foam rubber floor. I found that reassuring. The Doctor explained that the vaccine was extracted from the contents of Pelicans’ stomachs, whose chief food source is the mullet. The digested mullet is sucked out of the Pelicans’ rectums with a soft rubber hose that causes stress but no physical injury. Then, it is subjected to a secret process. He said, “The vaccine is $2,000, payable in cash prior to being vaccinated. We don’t take insurance because the vaccine has not been approved by the FDA.”
I was elated. I withdrew $2,000 from the ATM across the street. It took 10 transactions, but I pulled it off. I headed back to the Doctor’s office and fell down in the middle of the street. Two homeless people dragged me across the street after I was almost run over by a gang of mopeds driven by kids. I gave the homeless people $1.00 each for their trouble. I entered the Doctor’s office and the receptionist asked me if I was “ready to pay the tariff.” I told her “Yes” and the Doctor’s examination room door swung open. Dr. Mojito had a syringe in his hand. I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. He pushed up the sleeve and plunged in the needle, and that was that.
I was cured. I went walking all over my little home town with no trepidations. I went to the mall. I went to the grocery store. All was well UNTIL I started growing a Pelican pouch under my chin. I have no idea how it was possible, but whenever I ate, I stuffed the pouch and went to my room and ate the contents with my hands. I am looking into having plastic surgery to remove the pouch. I have tried to contact Dr. Mojito, but his receptionist keeps telling me that he’s “draining the Pelicans.” I wonder if this is a metaphor.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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