Anacoloutha

Anacoloutha (an-a-co’-lu-tha): Substituting one word with another whose meaning is very close to the original, but in a non-reciprocal fashion; that is, one could not use the first, original word as a substitute for the second. This is the opposite of acoloutha.

He thought he drove around her. She thought he tried to kill her. He had jumped the curb. She had jumped on the hood of the car. She rode on it. It hit a wall. She flew, but was not injured. She could not figure out what was going on. Should she report him to the police? Should she slap his face with a sock full of pennies? Should she get her big brother Waldo to beat him up? Or, should she just forgive and forget? After all, it could have been an accident.

She found him later that night at The Frozen Monkey Bar and Grill. He was sitting at the bar holding a giant glowing drink with two hands. He saw me looking at his drink and said, “It’s a Siberian Suicide; half a quart of vodka laced with A-1 Sauce, prune juice, and garnished with toasted marshmallows. I don’t know what causes the glow. Hey Eddy! What causes the glow?” Eddy (the bartender) told us it was a phosphorescent Guppy that could live in alcohol. It came from Lake Ponchartrain, near New Orleans, where the booze flows freely and the lake is 3%.

So I asked my boyfriend Clubby just what the hell he was trying to do with the running me over. He took a long draw though his drink’s straw and said “DWI.” So, maybe it wasn’t attempted murder. The bartender asked me when it happened. I told him and he told me that Clubby wasn’t drinking there that night. “You weren’t drunk, you liar. Don’t tell me you were drinking somewhere else. This is your place. This is your home!” “Ok Ok!” I had a heart attack and couldn’t drive right. I’ve quit smoking, and they gave me pills to take. I hope you can still love me,” Clubby said softly.

I was about to ask him for his doctor’s name, when I realized Clubby was a lying loser. I don’t know why he would want to run me over, and probably kill me. Heart attack! Bullshit!

Fearing for my life, I dumped him. Two days later he had a fatal heart attack while he was driving and mowed down 6 pedestrians. Nobody was seriously injured. The autopsy showed he was very, very drunk. They also found a glowing guppy blocking his carotid artery.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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