Distributio (dis-tri-bu’-ti-o): (1) Assigning roles among or specifying the duties of a list of people, sometimes accompanied by a conclusion. (2) Sometimes this term is simply a synonym for diaeresis or merismus, which are more general figures involving division.

This is the same old crap. Nobody’s where they’re supposed to be. It happens every time. How do I know? I went looking for youse. You’re supposed to be where I expect you to be. I am the boss, remember? I give the orders. You follow the orders. Joey! What were you doing home watching “Planet of the Apes” on your laptop? How do I know? Your Ma told me. Peter! You were at the pool hall playing eight ball and drinking rum and Cokes. How do I know? Vinny told me. In fact, he played and won $100 from you. Dipshit. Stunad. Tony! Jesus Christ! Hanging out at the dog grooming parlor, so you can do a little “grooming” with Marie on her lunch break. She told me you were sniffing around like one of the dogs, and she would never do it with you you. She said you’re too ignorant. Card! Where the hell were you.? Don’t tell me you got stuck in traffic, or I’ll shoot you in the face. I don’t even want to hear your excuse. All I can say is my crew—you all—really blew it.

Guess what? Missing Don Flamingo’s 80th birthday is grounds for getting you whacked. I told you that’s what I thought would happen two days ago when I reminded you to show up. I met with him and he has agreed to let you live, on one condition: that you spend all the money you have on his birthday gift.—that you pool it together and go for broke. How much you got? I don’t have to ask, I know. Between you, it’s 4,000,000. So, what’re you gonna do?

What? You’re gonna build him a mausoleum in Sicily? Good. Pink granite. Gold-plated doorknobs and hinges. Bronze doors with carved grape vines and bunches of grapes. White marble interior. Stained glass windows with all his family members and his mistress with the light of God shining through. A 70” plasma screen TV showing continuous loops of “The Godfather” and “Goodfellas.” The crypts have gold-plated handles with serpentine fronts, each having two cherubim carved in them, each one blowing a trumpet heralding Columbus Day. The ceiling has a painting of young Don Flamingo touching the hand of God. There are two leather chairs in case visitors want to watch TV, and have an espresso and biscotti, which are provided fresh every day, forever.

Good job crew. The Cinghiale Family will go down in history for its unrivaled tribute to Don Flamingo’s pettiness and unforgivable insult to our integrity.

I write this note to Don Flamingo, which he will never read: “Missing your Birthday was wrong by my crew, but the retribution you exacted was worse. You have broken my crew, leaving them penniless with one thought in mind. Revenge.”

Postscript: Two days after the mausoleum was completed, Don Flamingo was laid to rest. He was whacked leaving his favorite restaurant, Patsy’s. Joey, Peter, Tony, and Card had finished the job. Now, they had to figure out how to get their $4,000,000 back. They decided kidnapping the late Don Flamingo’s great-grandson was the way to go. They headed to Ace Hardware to get a roll of duct tape and a pack of zip ties, singing “That’s Amore” like some kind of 60s pop group, driving the speed limit in their beautiful black vintage Coupe de Ville.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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