Cataphasis (kat-af’-a-sis): A kind of paralipsis in which one explicitly affirms the negative qualities that one then passes over.
“I know the infrastructure is a mess. Bridges collapsing. Potholes the size of moon craters. Airport runways a mess—all commercial flights diverted to Canada. Road signs illegible causing far too many Americans to get lost. But these are all speed bumps along the way to prosperity.
All of these problems are seen as problems because citizens and businesses want to go somewhere—ride a highway, cross a bridge, move their bodies conveniently from point “A” to point “B” without getting killed or ending up at point “Z,” wherever that is—maybe Timbuktu, ha ha.
There’s a way around all this. It will save the government billions and return our country to normalcy—make us whole again. It is all about drones and Zoom. Zoom to order. Drones to deliver. There are so many social dimensions to Zoom, that “visiting” grandma in Florida will be a thing of the past. You will visit grandma in your living room, on your plasma TV screen. What could be cheaper and more convenient?
Most people will be able to work entirely from home. But there are many people who work in manufacturing and other hands-on jobs requiring their presence. They will be transported to and from work in Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs) driven by Army reservists. Just think, no more car payments! A free ride to and from work. Your children will be home schooled, so you don’t need to drop them off and pick them up, or wait for the school bus in the morning and the afternoon.
Romantic relationships will blossom on Zoom. Lovers will be married on Zoom and transported to their dwelling places via APC, where they will live happily ever after. Children will be born at home with a Zoom midwife overseeing the process. How supportive of family values!
For their own safety, people will be urged by laws not to leave their homes. All citizens will wear ankle monitors and remain inside, with the exception of workers whose jobs require them to be on site. They will be permitted to remove their ankle monitors to commute in the APCs. Unauthorized walking or jogging on a sidewalk can result in a 30-day jail sentence for the first offense.
I know this plan has a lot of missing components and “What ifs?” But, as they say “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” It took years of neglect to land us where we are today, but the technology we have at our disposal can fix things in a couple of days—at a low, low cost to taxpayers—and we can divert those savings to the purchase of the bombs and the missiles that keep us free. So, forget about the problems. Think about the solutions and put your minds at ease.
POSTSCRIPT
President Gaetz’s speech was received with thunderous applause. People were speaking in tongues, convulsing, doing energetic jigs and falling on the floor. It was a chaotic display of support marking the power of Gaetz’s rule. Trump’s head was in a jar beside him. Even though it had been soaking in a pickling solution for eight years, it seemingly nodded its approval of Goetz’s instantly famous “Home Sweet Home” speech. It was the “I Have a Dream” of the Hard-on Party—the first, most influential, and biggest political party to emerge after women were prohibited from politics in 2029.
After living like hamsters in cages, with no freedom, and no hope, the people of America were ready for revolution. One year after Goetz’s speech a patriot army commanded by Yogi Berra’s great-great grandson invaded the rotted USA from Greenland. Assisted by Mexico and Canada, they easily defeated the Americans and were received with open arms by the people.
Wearing his New York Yankees’ camo military uniform, Yogi III quoted his great-great grandfather:
“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.”
The quote keynoted the efforts to restore America, starting with Yankee Stadium which had fallen into horrendous disrepair. Love was everywhere. It was like a perpetual Valentine’s Day.
Former President Barron Trump was imprisoned for treason and Mike Pence’s reputation was restored, along with the thousands of people who were fired when Barron’s father struck the first blow for dictatorship that resulted in America’s decline and near destruction.
A copy of the Constitution was found in cardboard box under Barron’s bed. It was restored as the law of the land and America became whole again. Trump’s pickled head was run through a wood chipper.
Bridges were repaired. Roads were replaced. Malls were reopened, and America became America again.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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