Paenismus (pai-nis’-mus): Expressing joy for blessings obtained or an evil avoided.
I was in the 7th grade and there was a girl following me around. She would hide behind a tree along the sidewalk and say “Hi Johnny” from behind the tree when I walked by. She would crawl under my front porch and say “Hi Johnny” from under the porch when I got home. One night she was under my bed! I told my parents and her parents came and picked her up and took her home.
I got my driver’s license immediately after I turned 17. The open road beckoned. I got permission from my parents to drive to Delaware Water Gap, about 100 miles from where I lived in New Jersey. I was halfway there when I heard “Hi Johnny” from the back seat. It was like she was some kind of evil spirit haunting the car. She said, “You kidnapped me and I am going to tell my parents.” I pulled over to the side of the road. I was going to kick her out of the car and let her fend for herself. She started crying when I told her to get out of the car. I folded. “We might as well go see Delaware Water Gap and then drive back home.”
We pulled into a roadside rest by the Delaware River. It had a pay phone and she called her parents so they wouldn’t worry. Then, I heard her say, “He kidnapped me Mommy and wants $300 ransom left in a paper bag outside Charlie’s Soda Fountain. Don’t call the police.” I tried to call her parents to tell them she was full of shit, but she wouldn’t give me her phone number. Any story I might have to share with the police would be laughed at, and I might be shot. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I had gone crazy. She said, “I love you Johnny. We can run away together.” God! That’s all I needed to hear—run away together. I snapped and told her to lay down on the back seat while I drove us home. She complied.
We got back to our little town and pulled up in front of Charlie’s Soda Fountain. There was a small brown bag on the sidewalk. I hopped out of the car and picked up, expecting to be arrested, but I wasn’t! I looked in the bag and there were three $100 bills inside. I didn’t know what to do. I drove the girl home, gave her the bag of money and told her to give it back to her mother. I rang the doorbell and her mother answered: “Hi Johnny,” she said “my daughter’s mentally disturbed and so am I. We do nutty things for laughs. Keep the money—I think we got our money’s worth.” That did it!
I ran to the car to get a tire iron to beat the two of them into oblivion. I got halfway there and calmed down, I went back to the house and told them if they didn’t give me $5,000 cash, I would have them arrested. The mother gave me the money the next day and I took off with her daughter. She was waiting in the car. She said “Hi Johnny” and I told her to get into the front seat. I got her the medication she needed and we got married in Idaho. Everything worked out beautifully.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).
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