Personification: Reference to abstractions or inanimate objects as though they had human qualities or abilities. The English term for prosopopeia (pro-so-po-pe’-i-a) or ethopoeia (e-tho-po’-ia): the description and portrayal of a character (natural propensities, manners and affections, etc.).
My “Biltong Billy’s Biltong Cookbook” was telling me it was time to say goodbye. I had bought the cookbook in the airport gift shop in Johannesburg, South Africa. They fed you Biltong on all the domestic flights, and I got to like it. It provided a good jaw workout that kept my aging face toned. I was snagged by customs at JFK, I had a tiny piece of Biltong in my briefcase. That was a no no. No meat allowed!
I had to wait in a room with other customs busting miscreants. One guy had what looked like a coffin wrapped in plastic wrap. There was another guy, or I should say, creature, who looked really strange. He had huge hands and feet and was breathing from a Bachman pretzel canister. The customs agent called my name and told me I was free to go. He was holding my little scrap of Biltong and, with a smug look on his face, popped it in his mouth as I walked past him. One more reason to cheat on my income taxes, I thought to myself as I headed for the taxi queue. I saw the man with the plastic-wrapped coffin. He was picked up by a Ryder truck, and they took off, burning rubber.
I got home around 11.00 pm and started to unpack. That’s when it started. My Billy Biltong s cookbook was leaning in my briefcase. It was like it was saying “Let’s get started.” The next day I went to the butcher’s and bought 10 lbs of bottom round beef. I was on my way.
Let me jump ahead—I went Biltong crazy. I had 40 2.5 gallon ziplock bags full of Biltong relaxing in the cool air of my basement. That’s a lot of Biltong. Not to be deterred, I tried to give bags away to my friends. When I told them what it was, none of them wanted it. Then, one day I was walking in the park and a dog that had gotten off its leash ran up to me and started clawing at my pants pocket where I had stashed a chunk of Biltong to snack on while I walked.
This was a major breakthrough. Biltong dog treats! I got a Go Fund Me grant and started to roll. I gave the treats a straightforward name: “All Beef Biltong Dog Treats.” I added “From Jo-Burg to Your Burg.”
I sold the dog treat business two weeks ago for $12,000,000, but I’m not ready to retire yet. I’m wracking my brain to come up with a new product—I even thought of trying frozen roadkill dinners. I envisioned a fleet of small snowplows that would scrape the flattened animals from the pavement. Most people I polled thought the idea was disgusting. Then, I read this on the internet: “While it may not be for the faint of heart, Peruvian guinea pig on a stick (also known as cuy al palo) has captured the attention of many.” Well, we go into production next week. We have one rule: No naming of the guinea pigs. The “pigs” are precooked and come frozen on a stick, microwave-ready. The box has a drawing of a smiling guinea pig dressed as a peasant playing the drums with two wooden skewer sticks. We broke our own rule and named him Machu Picchu.
Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)
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