Exouthenismos


Exouthenismos (ex-ou-then-is’-mos): An expression of contempt.


The world is filled with uncertainty, doubt, and pain. The aisle you walked down on our wedding day was an off ramp. The vows you made were sarcastic— they were just missing the cutting tone. I took you literally when I should’ve known you meant opposite of what you said.And now you’re leaving me for Roman Gootvorm, the fat dolt who works at Cliff’s. He can’t even run a barcode scanner or bag things—he uses a giant paper bag for one scratch-off lotto ticket. And the truck he drives is a rusted, dented road hazard. The seats are worn to the springs, the passenger window only goes halfway down and the tires are nearly treadles—but he’s got a friend who sells him counterfeit inspection stickers. He’s been “working” on his GED for five years. Some day he might take the test,

And here I am. Award-winning used car salesman. I average 2 units per week. This week I sold a red 2019 Cadillac that Cuomo drove to secret meetings with Canadian espionage agents. Unfortunately, he was chucked out of office for his shenanigans. But still, I sold that baby to a bill collector from Albany for $3,599! That’s kind of high-end salesman I’ve always been. And oh, didn’t I get you that possum skin coat for Christmas last year, and a multifunction digital watch, as well as a box of 1 dozen BIC pens, with assorted color ink? And what about the wooden cane I bought for your mother or the pad for your father’s ride-mower seat? I am a good man. I don’t deserve to be abandoned for a stupid loser. So what if he won $6,000,000 in the lottery? It makes me think it was my money you were after all along. I guess he needs help spending his fortune. Well, you just go ahead.

I hate you more than I hate spinach. You have taken a toll on my soul. Maybe I made fun of your lazy eye more than I should have. I don’t know. After all I did, you’re leaving. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I will never talk to you again. We’re through.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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