Intimation


Intimation: Hinting at a meaning but not stating it explicitly.


A: Something smells. Do you get it? Do you smell it? I think it may be somebody right here in the room, and it isn’t me. Hmmm. There are only the two of us here in the room. I don’t smell. I know for sure. I’ve been using specially scented soap that masks all human odors. It’s called “Erasure.” After using it, my dog does not recognize me and barks incessantly. He bit me on the ankle yesterday, so I can assure you that my Barbara-body-smell is gone. If I smell at all, it’s like the Arctic wind that blows through here in January. You might want to consider adopting my dog, Curly. He won’t bite you if you keep your usual body smell, if it is acceptable to family and friends (which it probably isn’t—I have talked to your mother). Anyway, another source of repugnant odor is the mouth—wooo—can it stink, or what? I used “Mask” toothpaste and “Odor Burner” mouthwash this morning, and last night too. My breath smells like bottled water in a glass container.

Next, is diet. This is very simple: stop eating beans and cabbage. We have it on good authority that it was not an apple eaten by Eve in the Garden of Eden. Rather, it was a bean and cabbage casserole cooked by Old Nick himself and left steaming on a picnic table under an apple tree with a bowl and spoon, with a folded paper napkin alongside. Eve dug in and we know the rest. She brought the woe of farting to Humankind, and clothing became mandatory to help filter the smell, deaden the sound, and assuage the shame. The Fart is Satan’s voice—it feels good to blow one, but it destroys social harmony by inducing revulsion, anger, unwarranted finger pointing, and fleeing from hearth and home.

The most import measure you can take to achieve perfect odor control is anus emissions monitoring and adjustment (AEMAA). As you know, the anus emits farts, and farts smell. You can purchase and take “Gas-B-Gone” tablets. They are an excellent help, but every once-in-awhile a fart will squeak out, no matter how careful you are regularly taking the recommended doseage . You need a back-up plan. One thing you can do is sphincter control exercises. A well-controlled sphincter will allow you time to relocate—perhaps outdoors—before you relax it and let the wind blow harmlessly into the great outdoors. I have written a book titled “Sphincter Control, Mental Health, and Social Responsibility.” The book is an in-depth study of the sphinctural mechanism. It includes exercises you can use to cultivate your sphincter’s place across a spectrum of life-enriching potentialities specifically addressing the dysfunctional mind-body dualism engendered by seeing the sphincter as separate from the mind, and vice versa. The aim is to take a holistic approach, overcoming the mind/sphincter opposition so there is a seamless singularity: mind is sphincter/sphincter is mind. Now YOU, Mr./Ms. Mindsphincter, are ready to utilize your new incarnation in accord with ideals of human happiness, to reduce the world’s stink and transform it into the Breath of Venus.

So, I’ve taken you on extended voyage over the hills a valleys of human odor. Maybe, at this point you understand that I am disclosing this important information to you for a reason beyond filling your head with crucial facts. What do you think?

B: I think you are crazy.

A: Well, ok, the truth is you smell. No! Actually, you stink.

B: You need help. I’m wearing the “Kamikaze Kologne” my grandmother gave me. If you don’t like it, buzz off sphincter girl.


Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

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