Medela

Medela (me-de’-la): When you can’t deny or defend friends’ faults and seek to heal them with good words.

We are friends. So, I can tell you everything that’s wrong with you, and possibly, lay out a remedy for each of your faults. I read somewhere that this sort of exercise is what friends are for. If you don’t want to hear it from a friend, who else will you listen to? Dr. Needleton? Ha ha. He thinks advice is asking questions, like “How did you sleep last night?” You answer “Good.” He says “Uh huh” and then asks you another question, like “Do you hate your mother?” You answer “Yes.” He says “Uh huh” and he asks you another question. This goes for 30 minutes. Then he says, “Good, good. You’re making progress.” Progress on what? Your dirty habits? No. Your irresponsibility? No. Your fear of the dark? No. I could go on forever with your defects and phobias, but let’s try to focus.

Number 1. Your are selfish piece of shit. The remedy is simple. Make a will that leaves everything to me. Here’s the paperwork. Just sign where it says signature. Very good. Now you’re not a selfish piece of shit any more.

Number 2. You are a coward. The remedy is simple. Light your neighbor’s house on fire and run inside to save their cat Rompus. But, you might say, “I’m a coward, I can’t do that.” No problem. We can get you a fire retardant suit. Voila! Now you’re brave.

Number 3. You are a slob. The remedy is simple. Hire a housekeeper and a live-in masseuse: the housekeeper will straighten things up and the masseuse will clean and rub you every day, Abracadabra! You are not a slob any more.

Number 4. You are afraid of spiders. The remedy is simple. This is a Brown Recluse. Eat it before it gets away. Ok, I’ll “feed” it to you. I have the spider in the jar in this hand, and I have a Smith & Wesson aimed at you with this hand. Eat the spider. I call this “tough love.” Eat the spider now! You’ll never be afraid of spiders again. Come on! First, let’s make sure you signed the will. After all, I am your best friend and wouldn’t want to miss out on inheriting your wealth! Ok, everything’s in good order. Don’t forget to chew before you swallow. Bon voyage asshole.

All this may seem rather harsh to a person who has never had a really good friend with a pile of problems. If they are unable to see the benefits of suicide, the next best thing is to murder them. Sure, you can pose remedies. In the example above, I only cited a handful of problems. If I had cited them all, I would still be writing. “Asshole” is a catch-all that holds all of a given person’s problems together—no matter how many, or how few, “asshole” contains it.

If you don’t want kill your problem-encumbered friend, or try to talk them into suicide, you can unfriend them, just like on Facebook. Make sure you call them an “asshole” when you unfriend them, so they will understand the rationale of your unfriending. No matter how much they whine and beg, just keep repeating “because you’re an asshole” over and over again. This could go on for weeks. The best thing to do is record “because you’re an asshole” on your phone’s voicemail greeting. Make sure to tell your other non-asshole friends and colleagues what you’re up to. If they’ve read my book, “Good-Bye Asshole,” they’ll know what you’re up to and will applaud you for your courage. If you see your former friend, make sure to use the word “asshole” in your greeting, like, “Hey asshole. What’s up?” If your car gets keyed, or other acts of vandalism are directed toward your property, simply report your former friend to the police. If you’ve had to “asshole” more than one person, make sure to report them all.

You’re right. I am harsh. I have zero empathy. My major problem in life is that assholes are attracted to me in droves. Is that because I’m an asshole?

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu).

Buy a print edition of The Daily Trope! The print edition is entitled The Book of Tropes and is available on Amazon for $9.99. A Kindle edition is available for $5.99.