Hypozeuxis

Hypozeuxis (hyp-o-zook’-sis): Opposite of zeugma. Every clause has its own verb.

I went to the supermarket. There was shopping to be done. I saw a candy bar on the floor. It was a Wonker Bar. With the special silver coupon, it could be worth millions! I picked it up and put it in my backpack. A whooping siren like a car alarm went off and I was surrounded by security Guards. “You took the bait, big shot! It was “Whammy” Bontern who I had gone to high school with. He dropped out in our sophomore year and tried to become a policeman, but couldn’t pass the intelligence test—division did him in, as did his police record. He had stolen a bicycle and held it for ransom—for ten dollars. He was caught when he agreed to meet his victim in the park for the exchange of the ransom money for the bike. He was arrested when he rode up with a balaclava on this head. It was a scandal because Whammy’s mother was mayor. Whammy was sent to reeducation camp for 2 weeks. When he returned, he was hired as a security guard in the grocery store.

I had gone to college and gotten a degree in restaurant management. I opened a place called “Eats.” It was informal. We specialized in unhealthy food and drew customers from 100s of miles around, even from Canada. Most of our customers were overweight and smoked. Of course, Whammy hatred me because I had gone to college and had my own business, while he hadn’t progressed in the past ten years. I told him and the other goons that I was going to turn the Wonker Bar in when I cashed out & maybe even pay for it. They were convinced. since I had put it in my backpack, that I intended to steal it. The million dollar coupon would give me an incentive.

Whammy said “Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” Then, he handcuffed me and led me to the”the back room.” He said, “You were going to steal the Wonker Bar.” I said “No.” He said the same thing over and over and I kept saying “No.” He called the police to come and arrest me. They told him to get a life and to let me go. As I was about to go to checkout, he said, “I’ll have to confiscate that Wonker Bar.” I said “No you’re not, I’m paying for it.” He became enraged and tasered me. As I went down, I notice a thing like a mouth on his forearm. He kept putting his arm up to his ear. At first, I thought it was a nervous tic, but he was actually listening to his arm. Why hadn’t anybody noticed?

When I regained consciousness, I ran to the dairy section and grabbed 3 packages of cream cheese. I ran back and Whammy was sitting on the floor in tears. I unwrapped the cream cheese and stuffed it in his arm mouth. It started gagging and chocking and slowly disappearing. Whammy brightend up and his voice lost its menacing tone. I promised not to say anything about the tasering. I thought to myself self—no wonder he’s such a mess, taking advice from his arm all those years.

I payed for the Wonker Bar and headed for my car. I put my groceries in the trunk. Sat down behind the wheel to open the Wonker Bar and check the coupon to see if I won millions of dollars. There was no coupon! Somebody had stolen it.

Definition courtesy of “Silva Rhetoricae” (rhetoric.byu.edu)

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